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| “ | But enough about by past as a war criminal, let's discuss my future as a war criminal! | „ |
| ~ Adolf von Marx |
Adolf Darkseid Sidious Femto Enoshima von Marx is a major character in the Hearts of Iron IV mod The Fire Orderreich. A fictionalized depiction of a guy on Discord who was definitely not trolling me I pinkie promise, Adolf von Marx is a National Bolshevik who can become the warlord leading the Nachtmahrstaat of Nazbolgundy when the Second American Civil War starts. If Adolf von Marx succeeds in his goals, he will create a totalitarian NazBol state where existing is punishable by a gajillion years of forced slave labour and torture.
Biography[]
Background[]
Adolf von Marx was born in a small town in Pennsylvania on September 9, 1999. He didn't have much growing up as a kid: just loving parents, stability, a mansion, and a thriving baked goods enterprise for him to inherit. While in fifth grade, he accidentally found a neo-Nazi website when researching Martin Luther King for his book report. From then on, von Marx became a committed NazBol — then again, the fact that his parents named him "Adolf von Marx" may have slightly influenced his future as well.
Having kept his edgy grade-school political beliefs unchanged into adulthood, von Marx founded the Nazbolgundian Party of Amerikkka (NPA) in 2017, and his party was there at the Charlottesville "Unite the Right" rally (or at least that's what he told me on Discord). The NPA was somehow able to convince around 2 million people that the only way to "save" America from "degeneracy" is to cause as much unjust human suffering as physically possible. They tried to storm the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, but the bus was coincidentally late for all 2 million NPA members that day so they couldn't make it on time. In the subsequent years, von Marx and the NPA would make up for it by committing so many hate crimes that they killed roughly 1 billion people before the game's start.
In-game[]
When the Second American Civil War starts, Adolf von Marx will rally his 2 million supporters to take over the states of Michigan and Ohio, where he will declare the Nachtmahrstaat of Nazbolgundy. Under his rule, the entire population of Nazbolgundy is forced to do grueling slave labour. This he justifies by making it illegal to exist and punishing it with forced labour (von Marx escapes his own law by claiming that leading the country is his forced labour). There is a racial caste system where some slaves are treated slightly better than others due to their race, but since von Marx can't make up his mind about who to be racist against, he switches around which races are treated better and which are treated worse at completely random times without any warnings. The better-off slaves are given nothing more than half a slice of bread every month, while the worse-off slaves are given no food at all.
Depending on player or AI choice, von Marx is able to reunify much of America during the civil war. Whenever he conquers a state, he has his soldiers brutally torture 1/3rd of its inhabitants to death in public executions while turning the remaining 2/3rds into slaves. If he conquers Washington DC, he will rename the White House to the Skibidi House, turn Congress into a giant swimming pool filled with the blood of orphans, and roll a giant game show wheel to randomly pick a minority group to commit genocide against (in-game this means the player will pick the victim group). He also makes NPR broadcast his horrible karaoke covers of lhugeney's "Story of Undertale" all across the nation to ensure maximum suffering.
Once he unites Eastern North America, his final enemy will be whoever reunified the West. No matter who they are, von Marx will unleash his lab-grown supersoldiers known as the War Crime Division, which he specifically created to commit war crimes, upon the western continent. After winning, Adolf von Marx renames America to Nazbolgundy and will have his team of scientists create a synthetic virus that will kill everybody on the planet with diarrhea. Then the game will end as von Marx unleashes his diarrhea virus to annihilate humanity.
That is what happens if von Marx wins. However, if he loses at any point in the game, he will die. A few special death events exist for him: If the United Destiny of America led by Steve Bonnell conquers him, von Marx will be put on trial with 9,999,999,999,999,999 counts of war crimes and will get the electric chair. If the Greater Utahist Reich led by Dean Mosley conquers him, von Marx will be made to fight Dean in a public gladiator match where Dean will club him to death. If the Matriarchy of Shoe0nHead led by June Lapine conquers him, von Marx will be tied to a giant firecracker and launched into the sky where he will blow up as everyone celebrates. And if any other warlord conquers him, von Marx will simply take a cyanide pill before he can be captured.
Personality[]
Despite his absurd levels of obvious villainy and utter lack of any redeeming qualities, Adolf von Marx thinks he is doing the right thing somehow. This is because he thinks everyone else is a stupid ugly stinky dumb-dumb who deserves to die horribly. He also thinks that Minecraft is overrated.
Trivia[]
- This song plays in his superevent after reunifying America.
- I have nothing against the HoI4 mods I parodied here, this is more so a spoof of villain-writing in general than of any particular mod.