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Turner: No… please… please don’t talk about that horrible day. Everything went so wrong; it was pure injustice… Blackmailer: Don’t you worry about it, Turner. I won’t say another word about it, I’ll pinky swear on it… under one condition. I want you to- Turner: Fuck off... Blackmailer: Um, excuse me!? Didn’t your father teach you that it’s rude to interrupt people!? Turner: Go… fuck yourself. You think I care what happens to me, after what I did? My crimes are unforgivable, and I wish I stayed in that prison to rot. So go ahead, tell everyone! Send it to the papers! Yell it in the streets! I’ve been pushed around my whole life, but I will never be your puppet! |
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| ~ Turner initially refusing to work for his blackmailer. |
| “ | I'm... I'm so sorry... Please... Please forgive me... I have no choice... | „ |
| ~ Bord expressing remorse after poisoning Simon and Luanne |
Archibald Bord (whose real name is Turner) is a minor antagonist in the Splatoon fanfic Kissing and Killing in Inkopolis by TheBiggestBigBoi. He is a supporting character in “The Mayor” and the unseen secondary antagonist of “The Riot.”
The beaten-down secretary of Mayor Wilbur Wahoo, Bord at first seems to want to prevent the idiotic mayor from demolishing his chances of reelection. However, he is actually being blackmailed by someone claiming to be able to murder his wife and twin children. This drives him to attempt to kill the mayor by poisoning his bodyguards to prevent them from protecting him from an angry mob, something that he feels immense remorse for.
Personality[]
Archibald Bord is a calm, personable man who has very obvious disdain for his boss, Mayor Wahoo, due to his bigotry and general lack of intelligence. He desperately tries to stop Wahoo from doing anything that would ruin his chances of reelection and gets frustrated and upset whenever the mayor goes against what he says. He's pretty friendly with the bodyguards and adheres to their consensus that the mayor is a completely irredeemable moron.
Despite this, Bord is a criminal who is willing to poison the bodyguards to put the mayor in danger to protect his family. However, he is extremely remorseful about this and is implied to have put less poison than he was supposed to, putting the bodyguards in less danger than they could've been. He also expresses remorse for some other crime in the past that he was imprisoned for.
His remorse reaches the point of nihilism because he doesn't care what will happen to him if his crimes are exposed. He also dares his blackmailer to tell as many people as they can about his secret, knowing full well that this would ruin his life. However, he does care about protecting his family from any danger and complies with the blackmailer's demands when they are threatened, but not before telling his blackmailer that they'll get what's coming to them.
Biography[]
Past[]
Not much is known about Turner's past, but what is known is that he committed some sort of crime, which he refers to as "pure injustice." He was arrested and imprisoned for this crime, but eventually got out. He also had an accomplice in this crime who also assumingly escaped justice.
Additionally, Turner eventually got married and had kids with someone named "Abigail." He's supposedly been lying about things to her, most likely the lurid details of what he did. It's unclear exactly how much his wife knows about his criminal past and how she would react if she found out more.
Eventually, Turner's accomplice found him and kidnapped him so they could blackmail him for some unknown reason. Around this time, Turner took on the persona of "Archibald Bord" and became Mayor Wahoo's secretary. It’s currently unknown exactly how long he was working for the mayor.
The Mayor[]
Bord first appears in the inn that Simon and Luanne are staying at. He introduces himself as the mayor's secretary and tells them that his boss wants to hire the couple to be his bodyguards. The pair are hesitant at first but accept the job once they find out how much they will be paid.
Bord is next seen listening to Wahoo tell a horrible joke. He listens as the bodyguards talk to the mayor, accidentally provoking him in the process. Before things escalate, Bord has Simon and Luanne talk to the other bodyguards, Edgar and Beth, while he distracts the mayor.
After a brief conversation, Wahoo and Bord appear to tell them the details of their job. Bord tells them that, during the opening debates. Simon and Luanne will stand by Wahoo’s sides while Edgar and Beth stay in the shadows. Bord then drives the group to the stage.
While at the stage, Bord tells Wahoo to get off a table to which the mayor refuses. They are visited by Wahoo’s main political rival and debate opponent, Montgomery Loch, who asks to have a conversation with Wahoo. The childish mayor refuses and Loch leaves to prepare for the debate. Wahoo leaves as well and Bord chases after him.
As they are heading to the stage, Simon eavesdrops on a conversation between Wahoo and Bord. Bord reprimands Wahoo for betraying the person who paid for his campaign, but the mayor seemingly threatens his secretary to keep him quiet. Simon comes to the conclusion that there must be blackmail involved here.
After the debates, Simon and Luanne decide to try to get information about the strange goings on with the mayor. Simon decides to confront Bord while Luanne confronts Beth. Simon doesn’t get nearly as much info as Luanne with his stunt of pulling Bord into a closet. Bord says that he was scolding the mayor because he went against what his father wants, and Simon responds by saying that Wahoo was blackmailing him. Bord denies being blackmailed and Simon lets him go.
Later, Simon and Luanne ride in Wahoo's car with the mayor riding shotgun and Bord driving from an interview with Off the Hook. During the ride, Simon saw Pacifica "Cif" Ohxin, a previous client and an independent singer. Simon mentions it to Luanne, which catches Bord's attention. He seems unusually interested in Cif and her sister Tia, even asking how the two are doing. Wahoo becomes genuinely confused at Bord's behavior, and the secretary goes silent for the rest of the ride.
When the group arrives at the mansion, Wahoo has them watch footage of the interviews Off the Hook had the other politicians take so he can potentially use them as slander material. Bord offers to get the bodyguards some drinks which they accept, except for Edgar. Bord starts to get nervous, and Edgar stands firmly with his choice. Bord leaves and comes back with the drinks.
At the end of the footage, the Marina briefly mentions that several businesses will be closed because of the anniversary the next day. Wahoo gets confused by this and Bord exasperatedly explains that it's the anniversary of the Plankton Point terrorist attack. Wahoo immediately decides to make a speech about the horrible event and Bord straight-up refuses to allow him to do it because absolutely nothing good can come of messing the speech up, which Wahoo would most likely do. Wahoo seemingly complies with what Bord asks and leaves the room. However, Bord eventually realizes that the mayor not only went to go give the speech anyway but also got extremely drunk by drinking a whole bottle of wine.
Bord tells Simon and Luanne that this is a recipe for disaster and orders them to get the others and head to the stage to stop the mayor. As Simon and Luanne run off, Bord turns around and looks somber as he holds two small bottles. He apologizes to Simon and Luanne quietly, saying that he has no choice and that he's sorry, right before heading down into the wine cellar.
The Riot[]
Bord doesn't have a physical appearance in this chapter, but he has a very significant impact.
When the bodyguards try to get Mayor Wahoo away from an angry mob after he massively screwed up his drunken, idiotic speech, they suddenly start to feel intense pain in their stomachs and puke everywhere. With no time to question what is happening, the bodyguards push through begrudgingly. At one point it seems like the mob is going to completely surround the weakened bodyguards and the inebriated mayor, but Edgar steps between them and says that he's the only one there who isn't inebriated or poisoned. Edgar manages to hold off the mob while the rest of the group escapes with help from Off the Hook.
During the ride back, the group realizes that Bord was the one who poisoned them. Wahoo disagrees with this because he's under the delusion that Bord admires him and promptly gets punched in the face by Simon. They get to the mansion and split up once again: Simon stays behind and talks to Edgar (who latched onto the side of the van) while Luanne and Beth search the mansion for clues to figure out where Bord went.
Edgar reveals that he believes that Bord is involved with the Wrath-Violets and Simon reveals his suspicions of Wahoo blackmailing Bord. Edgar accepts the possibility of blackmail, but also mentions that Simon doesn't have any proof of what Wahoo was having him do. Meanwhile, Wahoo has an angry exchange with Simon and stumbles to his mansion.
Luanne and Beth have little luck finding any clues about Bord's whereabouts, but they do notice Wahoo going down into the wine cellar. Luanne angrily yells at Wahoo as he grabs a bottle of wine and smugly tells her that she's not getting paid. Luanne retorts by saying that he deserved to get punched and accuses him of being a blackmailer and a murderer; that everything that happened that day was his fault. which the mayor promptly denies. Wahoo then attempts to chug down his wine and Luanne knocks it out of his hand, but the mayor then becomes paralyzed and falls to the floor, leading to him going unconscious. This was because Bord put a stronger poison into Bord's wine.
The bodyguards promptly have Off the Hook call an ambulance that takes the mayor to the hospital. As the ambulance leaves, Edgar gives a few final thoughts to Simon and Luanne (Bord didn't use as much poison as he could have, Bord convinced Wahoo to hire the pair, and that Bord poisoned the wine) before disappearing into a crowd. While Wahoo could've possibly survived the poison with just a concussion from his head hitting a stair, he would meet his fate in the hospital when the leader of the Wrath-Violets would come into the hospital disguised as a doctor and give him a drink with the same poison.
Gallery[]
Trivia[]
- Wilbur Wahoo’s and Archibald Bord’s surnames are meant to contrast with each other. This is because “wahoo” is an expression of excitement while the name Bord is a homophone of the word “bored.”
- While it’s stated multiple times that Wahoo was the one blackmailing Turner at the beginning, there are also some implications that he isn’t.
- One of the more obvious examples is when Simon explains his suspicions to Edgar. The octoling brings up that it’s unclear what exactly Wahoo was having Bord do if he was being blackmailed.
- Another example is Bord’s odd behavior when it comes to the Ohxin sisters. He may be interested in how they’re doing because he was involved in the death of their mother and feels remorse. If Wahoo knew of this, he wouldn’t be so genuinely confused.