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|“||Alright, let’s do this one last time. My name is Jeff T. Killer- formerly Jeffery Woods- I was driven insane by a bunch of bullies and since then I’ve been the one and only Jeff the Killer. I’m pretty sure you know the rest. (montage ensues of Jeff killing people, eating fast food, and escaping prisons) I killed a bunch of people, got imprisoned, busted out, roamed around, and then I killed people again, and again, and again. And, uh... I also did this. (montage cuts to show cringey Deviantart and blurred Rule 34 images of Jeff) ...We don't talk about that. So after I met this cool guy called Slenderman he begged me to be his 1# student and I was like "...sure." Since then I’ve became something of an icon in this little place called the Under Realm. I have my own comic book, cereal, plushies, coffee mugs, did a Christmas album, got a couple million dollars. I have an excellent theme song, (cuts to a live-action image of the Jeff the Killer Party City mask) and a so-so Halloween mask. I mean, I've looked better. I also got a bunch of thristy fangirls in both the Under Realm and Human World? What can I say? Chicks dig crazy guys! But after everything, I still love being me. I mean, who wouldn’t? As a Proxy, I'm fucking infamous! I'm one of the most notorious slashers in history! I am Jeff the Killer! And I dig it!||„|
|~ Jeff's introduction in the pilot.|
Jeffrey Woods, best known as Jeff the Killer, is the main protagonist of Comickit's animated comedy webcomic Pastamonsters. He is a serial killer, Proxy and apprentice of Slenderman and best friends with BEN and Ms. P. He is incredibly selfish and mean, but the Proxies keep him around because they know he won't get along well with anyone else. Among other things, he hates humans, gingers, liberals, conservatives, people making fun of his appearance, and women.
He is the second-in-command of the Proxies and Slenderman's ward. Originally a normal teenager, Jeff grew up in a wealthy family and was bullied by other kids or his rich background. His parents did not offer any support for Jeff, as they only cared about their social statues and nothing else. The only true family Jeff had in his early life was with his brother, Liu. Jeff's already estranged life turned upside down when a group of bullies attacked him and Lio. Jeff beat up the bullies, but Liu was framed and sent to Juvy, which emotionally scarred him. After this event, Jeff's mother made him go to the birthday party of their neighbor's son, where he confronted the bullies again. In a fit of rage, Jeff killed the bullies, but one of them was able to set him on fire after covering him with bleach and alcohol. Jeff ended with bleached white skin, burnt black hair, red lips and a twisted mental capacity. Jeff then finally snapped and killed his family, even Liu. Jeff is still out there, looking for victims and before he kills them, he tells them to “Go to Sleep.
After wandering the Earth for several years, Jeff met up with BEN, who introduced Jeff to the Under Realm, a realm between Earth and the universe where monsters coexist with each other. After joining the realm with BEN, Jeff eventually decided to join Proxy High to train to become Slenderman's Proxy. Eventually, BEN dropped out of the school when he was 10 after he was convinced to join Zalgo's army, but Jeff was able to convince BEN to join the Proxies and complete his training. Afterwards, Jeff attempted to follow along with his female best friend Ms. P and pursue higher learning (she was learning how to do Slenderman's job) but since he lacked the qualifications he decided to work directly for Slenderman instead.
Jeff's career is a Runner. Runners travel to the Human World to do many tasks such as assassination, hacking, haunting, gathering information, sabotaging any information on their world, ect.
|“||I can be myself out here. Bullying, murdering, reckless, totally selfish. Do the things that make me, me.||„|
|“||He's... I don't know... Hell walking on Earth!||„|
|~ Masky describing Jeff.|
Jeff has been described as a difficult person to deal with: extreme, impetuous, vengeful, psychopathic, unhinged, facetious, egotistical, confrontational, argumentative, insensitive, chaotic, cruel, moronic, selfish, hedonistic, perverted, thrill-seeking, unpredictable, untamed, infamous, incredibly homicidal, and prone to violent outbursts and destructive rampages. He does everything in a borderline sociopathic and relentless manner, (much different from Ms. P and Masky). Although Jeff is like this, he is honest about it and openly admits to being evil (in fact, he's quite proud of it). He has his own charm along with his own principles. However, Comickit has confirmed that Jeff "may not be all he seems" but is still "too horrible" to be a hero of any kind. He is also quite insecure about his face, even saying that people making fun of his face is one of his "triggers". Jeff can also be very thick-headed and stupid, often throwing strategy out the window in favor of a head-on attack and is usually very easy to manipulate. Jeff usually shows very little remorse for his crimes, saying that the lives of the people he murders hold no merit to him. He often only cares about himself and getting whatever he wants, and is perfectly willing to lie, cheat, manipulate, and commit mass murder to do so.
Jeff can also be incredibility childish, with Slenderman even calling Jeff a "lazy, and insane child with too much power". The very dark, usually disturbing undertones to his personality often hint at an extreme mental imbalance. Apart from being portrayed as having a general lack of moral responsibility or social conscience, he also seems to take pleasure from others' misfortune and is generally unable to show empathy, although there have been exceptions. Despite the severity of his actions, it is likely that they are a type of emotional defense mechanism against his insecurity and (potential) confused sexuality. Jeff is also willing to pretend to be nice to get what he wants — the gloves come off the second he doesn't. Sometimes he isn't even that good at being affable and relies on pity to manipulate. He seemed to have stopped this in Season 2, where it does appear as though he's trying to be a better person, but it's hard to tell because he still has a way of sounding sarcastic when he's being "nice".
He is easily the most foul-mouthed character in the show and he is also shown to be racist, as seen when he called an Indian a "redskin motherfucker" and a Muslim terrorists "sandpeople" as a Star Wars reference. Despite this, Jeff claims that he is not racist or a bigot; When Masky mistakenly assumes that Jeff is being homophobic when he asks about his boyfriend, he takes offense at it and snaps back that he was just surprised that anyone would want to date Masky. He also calls Enderman out multiple times for supposedly being racist.
Jeff's personality can be very hard to predict and can easily vary depending on the situation. He can sometimes be a sympathetic guy who has a genuine good core, an obnoxious jerk who abuses his friends and doesn't care about anyone (but in a comedic manner), or a ruthless smug cad who commits extremely dark and serious acts such as relentlessly torturing innocent people that isn't meant to be funny.
One of Jeff's defining traits is how much of an annoying jerk he can be. In fact, the Proxies consider him a burden to be around. According to Comickit, even BEN can sometimes barely stand him. Not only do his three closest friends find him annoying, insult him behind his back, and actively question why they still hang out with him, but every single being in the Under Realm hates him almost as much. Even Eyeless Jack occasionally lets it slip that he doesn't truly like Jeff very much, being friendly to him presumably out of goodwill and fear. The Proxies are often divided on whatever keeps Jeff a part of their group; BEN personally explains that he pities Jeff as an unfeeling, horrible person and so allows him to stay because he knows he'll have no other friends otherwise and probably kill himself, while Slenderman and Ms. P seem to have no idea. Either way, it's rare to see his friends actually genuinely enjoying his company.
Most of his time is spent killing people, getting wasted, partying, playing video games, watching TV and going wherever he wants, doing whatever they want, and costing thousands of dollars of damage with his tomfoolery. He once even started a riot at the Super Bowel purely to sit back and enjoy the chaos.
Jeff also possess a highly sarcastic and great sense of humor that irritates and annoys most of his enemies. He's very nonchalant about basically everything, even the multiverse collapsing, and it's very rare to see a serious moment from him. He often deliberately disobeys his friends/orders, or run in guns blazing and blows their cover He regularly insults and belittles his enemies and friends to his own enjoyment, even people who could easily kill him such as Zalgo, or X. Jeff even mocks and makes fun of Slenderman, even going as far to give him insulting nicknames like "Baldy". Jeff is also similarly sarcastic to Zalgo, albeit in a much more spiteful and hate-filled way than he does Slenderman, even going as far as to only refer to Zalgo as a "fucktard". Jeff feels no shame and can make a joke out of any situation, even laughing after he heard Clockwork's mother died of cancer, despite her clearly hearing his laughter. When Jane the Killer comes to kill him, Jeff is incredibly proud that he drove her insane, mocks her about killing her parents, and calls it "his finest work yet". He doesn't even bother killing her because he finds messing with her mind too much fun. Only a few select people are able to withstand his seemingly never ending inability to stop talking, such as BEN, the Unwanted House Guest, Aton, Smile Dog, and Mr. Widemouth.
Jeff constantly complains about his life despite having next to no problems and gives Slenderman grief over nearly everything that happens in the series. He also is a jackass to his own friends, stealing their money and using them as victims of his latest antics. He always was somewhat selfish and sexist. However, in the first few seasons, he seemed to do insane actions to, at least in his own mind, better the lives of his friends. He relentlessly abuses Sally, treats women like sexual objects, takes BEN for granted, treats Eyeless Jack like a doormat, steals money from Slenderman, leaves his friends to die on multiple occasions, endangers the lives of hundreds of people a day, has committed just about every felony under the sun, and tried to sell Ms. P's soul for 300 bucks. Of course, he actually deserves the bad stuff that happens to him. He has also hit Eyeless Jack with a stick, and told BEN his life doesn't matter. In one major event, when Laughing Jack gets a cat, Jeff, BEN, Eyeless Jack, and Smile Dog sneak into his room while he is out and decide to shave his cat as a prank. But Jeff kills the cat with a straight razor (this was an accident, but he is unconcerned about it) and he adds further insult by stealing Laughing Jack's beer afterward. At the end of the episode, Laughing Jack, in tears, asks where his cat is while outside Jeff's room, offering a reward for the person who finds him, and before Jeff slams the door on him, he takes the money and says rather apathetic, "I killed your cat."
Jeff is shown to be somewhat of a masochist. He giggles when a cop shoots him, shouts "oh yeah!" when the Rake almost claws his arm off, and yells "that felt good!" when Rick Bernstein punches him. Unlike his original counterpart, Jeff has absolutely no qualms about casually harming or even killing children. He has brutally beaten BEN on several occasions, once killed an infant when he couldn't get him to stop crying, threw a child into shark-infested waters in order to steal his water boat, and even punched Sally Williams in the arm for pranking him too much.
Jeff loves cartoons, potty humor, Skee-Ball, video games, heavy metal music, television shows, rap music and American pop culture. His favorite band is Metallica. He remains very pop-cultured, referencing The Matrix, RoboCop, Alien 3, Yentl, 127 Hours, Adventure Time, Spongebob Squarepants, Gravity Falls, Cocoon, X-Men: Days of Future Past and is a huge fan of Star Wars. Jeff himself is aware that he is a fictional character in a webcomic and belittles this by breaking the fourth wall and speaking directly to the audience, even sometimes insulting the viewers for fun.
Jeff is also a very arrogant, narcissistic, and cowardly egomaniac. After he becomes president of the United States in "Proxyland", he enslaves a group of people and forces them to build statues in his likeness and even renames the United States "J.E.F.F". Jeff also likes to think he is imposing and dangerous but has basically no defense from being actually attacked. In "Jeff V. Slenderman", he's perfectly willing to antagonize Slenderman right up until he'll fight him, then spends the entire episode trying to avoid the conflict he willfully spawned. Once their fight arrives, Jeff actually tries to put up a good fight but Slenderman quickly wipes the floor with him.
Despite his stupidity, Jeff is sometimes shown to be somewhat genuinely intelligent. While he acts immaturely to say the least most of the time, he occasionally displays some quite impressive abilities, such as easily surviving harsh physical punishment without suffering even a scratch, taking out groups of people with minimal ease, and even saving the entire universe from destruction several times. He also is capable of planning out battle strategies, but usually only when things get serious. He also has several talents, among which the highlights are: murdering, wrestling, robbing banks, music, and even multilingualism, such as fluency in German and Spanish. His strength and intelligence can vary from episode to episode, however. His intelligence can be attributed to him being brilliant at times but also lazy, but his strength varies from strong enough to take down Zalgo's demonic minions to being beaten up by third grade students. In short, Jeff can be very crafty and smart if he takes things more seriously.
Despite being a serial killer with very little remorse for who he murders or hurts, Jeff does have a soft side under his black heart. In "The Chain Mail", he was incredibly distraught at Eyeless Jack's death leading Ms. P and some of the other Proxies to console him. Eyeless Jack's death affects Jeff throughout all of Season Three until Jack is eventually revived in "To Proxy Mountain". After Eyeless Jack is revived, Jeff grows very protective of Eyeless Jack, even going as far as to call him "Sugar Bear" and keep him from danger. This is likely Jeff's way of compensating for treating Eyeless Jack so badly previously. He also cares a considerable deal for Smile Dog, Sally Williams, Slenderman, Ticci Tobey, Ms. P, and BEN, but has trouble expressing his love for them and acts like he doesn't care about them to sound tough. Jeff was also very saddened by the death of the Unwanted House Guest and was disgusted by some of Zalgo's cruel acts like cursing Mr. Widemouth and brainwashing the Shadowlurker. He also doesn't seem to mind BEN, Sally, or Ms. P for making fun of his face, while he would have killed or at least yelled at anyone else who would. Jeff also seldom kills those who don't tell him what to do, insult him, get in his way, or do anything else to anger him. He's also fairly friendly and brotherly towards BEN.
At his absolute best, Jeff is a genuine, soft, good-hearted person, and in time became a very moral and heroic person to the point of sacrificing himself to save BEN and Sally from Laughing Jack. Although he is a serial killer he saved the universe many times from the many threats (even if it is for his own selfish reasons), redeemed the Shadowlurker to protect him from Zalgo, risked the universe being destroyed to save Sally and BEN when Zalgo threatened to kill them, refused to leave BEN to die at the hands of the mountain trolls in "The Chain Mail", only leaving when Clockwork arrived to protect BEN, went into a suicidal depression when his girlfriend Princess Atta was killed, and killed the legendary Gatekeeper and several other monsters to save Sally from a life of slavery. On matters of love he can be surprisingly sensitive, when Princess Atta attempts to kiss him, Jeff pushes her away and explains that he believes he isn't good enough for her because he is ugly while she is beautiful, which is surprising given Jeff's nature as a narcissist. Jeff also advised Mr. Mandavi to fight for the object of his affections, Gita.
After Princess Atta’s death, Jeff developed a suicidal nature yet his apparent inability to die increased the decay of his already fractured psyche that enhanced the seriousness and tragedy of his character even though his wise-cracking nature is more predominant. He was content to die from his disease until he re-found a purpose by protecting Sally from Laughing Jack - believing this is where he needed to be spiritually for him to die and be reunited with Princess Atta.
There is also quite a bit of tragedy mixed in with Jeff's character. He was neglected by his parents and horribly disfigured by bullies as a kid, and then forced to become a drifter for almost seven years before joining Slenderman and the Proxies. Before all this, Jeff had only experienced the negative sides of life. Despite his cartoonish nature and durability, he feels the pain he endures, both physically and emotionally, and the trauma he endures is shown to have strong effects on him. Despite having godlike amounts of luck and the ability to survive virtually anything, that can't be a pleasant experience. He uses his self-aware humor and jokes to cope with his situation. The tragedy in Jeff's character is explored much more earnestly in later seasons, particularly with Eyeless Jack's death and Jeff's own death in the Grand Finale. Both scenes express how Jeff isn't primarily a comedic character. He can also be a very emotional character with humble and relatable struggles and how he uses comedy to stay motivated.
His anger and generally unpleasant attitude is occasionally directed at the rude behavior of others and his misanthropy is largely the result of being subjected to abuse, bullying, and attempted murder in his past. When the mood strikes him, he's even capable of being nice to his friends, mainly by keeping them from harsh truths. It's also implied that his cynicism is partly due to his parents trying to kill him, as he wasn't nearly as bad before that. He may be an insane, murderous jerk who constantly drags his friends on life-threatening adventures, but he clearly loves his friends and pet dog enough to keep them safe.
Jeff wears a white sweater with black tuxedo pants with black shoes. This is, of course, based on his original Creepypasta counterpart. His eyes are huge with their eyelids cut off, although he is sometimes animated with black eyelids. His face is cut into a permanent smile and his face is bleached white from the fire. Despite being skinny and lanky, Jeff has supernatural human-like strength and speed. Humans often describe him as a monster due to his affiliation with the Slenderman, but Jeff is not a monster, he's a human but with a freakishly deformed up face. People describe him as a monster since he sometimes acts like one; but only if he has that "feeling" inside him.
|Victims killed by Jeff|
Jeff constantly claims to have killed more people off-screen, but due to his tendency to lie and make himself scary, most of, if not all of these statements might be exaggerated.
Failed attempted murders
Powers and abilities
- Inhumane Strength: Jeff has superhuman levels of strength. It is virtually impossible for any human to overpower him, however with enough force, Jeff can be hurt by objects, weapons and sufficient brute force. Jeff's kicks and punches are also very powerful, strong enough to send X and Shadowlurker (who also have superhuman strength) flying back. When forced to do so by the Showman, Jeff was also capable of lifting a 700 ton sumo wrestler over his head, although he did strain himself while doing so. He was also able to casually overpower several members of the Epsilon Cult simultaneously, break human skulls with one punch, easily snap human necks, slice solid concrete with his knife, cut limbs off with a single knife strike. His strength is sufficient enough to stagger X and Shadowlurker with a punch, though he was outmatched and subdued swiftly both times he faced them. Despite his strength, his punches not only failed to hurt Slenderman in any way, but he broke his fist and legs upon trying to punch and kick Slenderman. The only people in the entire series shown to be capable of consistently overpowering Jeff in a one-on-one fight were President Bush, Zalgo, Shadowlurker, Slenderman, and Ms. Pencil Neck.
- Incredible Speed: Jeff possesses speed far superior to that of even the finest human athlete. He is capable of moving fast enough to easily outmaneuver rapid gunfire. Confined spaces could not limit his movement at all, allowing him to overpower and kill multiple attackers after landing in their car. He also defeated an entire team of assassins along side BEN in 1/3 of a second. While trying to get a multiverse crystal with Alice Liddell, Jeff was forced to dodge beams of sunlight, which would mean Jeff's top reaction speed is around 70% the speed of light.
- Shape-Shifting: Jeff, when on Earth, can immediately create an illusion form to look more like a human, as to not draw attention from the police. With the assistance of Ms. P's Polyjuice Potion, Jeff can change into virtually any form he desires, from a giant dragon to a small insect, or even a beautiful woman. Normally, Jeff also has the power to change the pigment of his skin and turn into a beach ball.
- Hunting/Survival Skills: Before living in Proxy Mansion, Jeff lived in the wild where he had to obtain his own food, water. As such, he is a proficient hunter, trapper, forager, and decent cook. He also has basic medical skills, and he tends to patch himself back up after his battles. On one occasion, Jeff boasts about once killing a tiger with a stick or a rock, although this could've just been Jeff making things up to impress Ms. P.
- Animal Connection: Jeff is shown to have a strong connection to Smile Dog. His connection with Smile Dog even allows him to communicate with him, able to understand his intentions despite Smile Dog only speaking in barks, whines, and growls.
- Durability: Jeff has an almost cartoonish level of durability and intolerance to pain. Thus, Jeff was still walking after the intense beat-down inflicted on him by Slenderman. He also survived being bombarded with bombs, numerous lightning strikes, being ran over by a car, being mauled by polar bears, drinking gallons of bleach, shooting his head off with a shot gun, lethal experiments, multiple hits from the likes of superpowered beings such as X, Shadowlurker, Ms. P, and Zalgo's Minions and even endured a nuclear explosion.
- Regenerative Powers: Jeff has the ability to heal dismembered limbs with ease. It is unknown has Jeff required this ability and he only used it once for a one-off gag.
- Body Control: At one point, Jeff shed his skin like a snake. However, using this ability will leave him vulnerable to any nearby predators.
- Gravity Manipulation: Jeff has the ability to rotate small objects around his body. Much like most of his "superpowers", Jeff was only seen using this ability for a one-off joke.
- Absorption: Jeff can become more durable and powerful by absorbing radiation, drinking alcohol, and taking BEN's Black Stuff.
- Superhuman Reflexes: Jeff's flexibility, balance, dexterity, and coordination are well-beyond the natural physical limits of even the finest human athlete. He has inhuman leaping capabilities, able to could jump several feet from a stationary position, and with his body control, able to execute a variety of complex twists, turns, and flips while in mid air. He could jump onto a wall and then propel himself toward his enemy in a kick.
- Fourth-Wall Awareness: Jeff is very much aware that he is a character for the audience's amusement. He has communicated and spoke directly to the audience countless times.
- Broadway Force: Jeff can tap into the Broadway Force, by spontaneously breaking into song and dance, causing everyone and everything around them to become bound by it, and compelled to join in.
- Enhanced Senses: Jeff's senses are incredibly sharp, as he can dodge bullets without even knowing he is being shot at and even has a powerful sense of smell despite having no visible nose.
- Master Acrobat: His enhanced reflexes and agility make him highly evasive and mobile in battle. Able to scale seemingly any terrain with no wasted timing or movement, he his prowess outmatches some of the most accomplished circus aerialists and acrobats. Using a variety of free-running and park-our maneuvers, he is very difficult to anticipate with his erratic and spontaneous movement.
- Master Martial Artist: Due to living a very dangerous lifestyle, Jeff's combat style developed into a somewhat instinctive and improvised collection of techniques that emphasizes the use of his superhuman strength, speed, agility, and knives. Hence, Jeff uses quick, powerful attacks and agile movements and also tends to attack weak spots to cripple his opponents. However, he is not skilled in martial arts and often gets distracted while in combat. Despite his cocky attitude, Jeff effortlessly defeated a chapter of the Epsilon cult with a little help from BEN and Smile and Commissioner Johnson's Proxy-hunting group, the latter of which were military-trained hand-to-hand combatants and hunters, as well as temporarily hold his own against Shadowlurker and even landed a few hits on Slenderman at the cost of his bones. Jeff also at one point swiftly took out X in a full-on fight, stabbing both of his eyes out and then stomping on his head. He also defeated Death himself and, more impressively, the Gatekeeper of the Nightmare Realm in a fight. Jeff is also a very dirty fighter, he tends to stab his opponents in the eyes, often breaks his opponent's bones, and has a habit of punching his enemies in the groin. Jeff is also capable of fighting even when vastly outnumbered, as he fought against hoards of Zalgo's minions with mid-difficulty levels of ease and the Epsilon cult with very little difficulty.
- Marksmanship: Jeff possesses extremely keen eyesight, and is able to accurately throw his knives in combat to neutralize his opponents. He is also shown to be relatively good at using firearms, as seen when he wielded a pistol while infiltrating a terrorist base with President Bush and BEN.
- Knife Mastery: With them being his signature weapon, Jeff is highly skilled in using knives, particularly his own butcher knife, that he used to take down many of Zalgo's minions and even slice a man in half with. Jeff's knife on it's own is also incredibly powerful, as it's able to slice through concrete with out breaking and can even cut through magical creatures such as demons and the Gatekeeper.
- Tier: Likely 7-B
- Age: Likely 24
- Attack Potency: City Level (Can harm President Bush with physical strikes. His knife can ignore the durability of almost every being it hits.)
- Speed: Likely Relativistic+ (Dodged beams of sunlight.)
- Lifting Strength: Class K (lifted a 1,000 ton sumo wrestler over his head)
- Striking Strength: City Level
- Durability: City Level (Survived a nuclear explosion. Endured a beating from Slenderman. Survived a punch from an angry President Bush.)
- Stamina: Nearly limitless
- Standard Equipment: An enchanted knife. Has metallic talons on the bottom of his feet sharp enough to scale mountains.
- Intelligence: Low.
- Weaknesses: Stupidity. Has very poor judgment. Tends to overestimate himself and underestimate others.
|“||GO TO SLEEP.||„|
|~ Jeff's signature catchphrase.|
|~ Jeff after doing something awesome.|
|“||Fuck my life.||„|
|~ Jeff usually when he can tell something bad is going to happen.|
|“||This is gonna be cool.||„|
|~ Jeff doing something stupid.|
|~ Jeff whenever something goes wrong.|
|“||You see, what had happened was...||„|
|~ Jeff whenever he screws something up.|
|“||HEEEEEELLL TO THE NO!||„|
|~ Jeff usually whenever he sees something frightening.|
|“||This is BULL-BULL-BULLSHIT!!||„|
|“||Let's fuck some shit up.||„|
|~ Jeff whenever he is ready to fight someone.|
|“||They hate us cuz they ain't us!||„|
|~ Jeff's theory on why others are always trying to kill him and the Proxies.|
|“||Haters gonna hate, and ain'ters gonna ain't!||„|
|~ Jeff to BEN.|
|“||You're probably thinking, "Wait a minute, I thought this was a Creepypasta! Why are all these characters telling jokes and having fun? Where's the edgy content, dumb main characters and hyper-realism?" Well, we may have dumb main characters, but this ain't your traditional run-of-the-mill Creepypasta with terrible writing. I mean, have you read the original Jeff the Killer story? It's fucking awful! Anyway, getting off topic. I think you'll be surprised by the fact that this technically is a Creepypasta! BAM! Big surprise, motherfuckers! But it's probably not the Creepypasta you're customed to. This... Is Pastamonsters.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to the audience.|
|“|| Masky: I thought we were supposed to make a comic that was, like, super gritty and bleak and depressing and that had terrible writing. You know, like a Creepypasta|
Jeff: (stares at the camera) That is an excellent way to make television and film.
|~ Jeff and Masky.|
|“||Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!||„|
|~ Jeff while robbing a bank.|
|“||(to the audience) Hey, Jeff here. You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own webcomic"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Benderman." And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to the audience.|
|“||The Jeff doesn't play for fun. The Jeff plays to win.||„|
|~ Jeff after beating Laughing Jack at tennis.|
|“||[over phone] (Eyeless Jack: Jeff T. Killer.) EYELESS JAAACK!!! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! (Eyeless Jack: Jeff, it's business.) That wide-eyed idiot was mine! (Eyeless Jack: It's business, fella! You wanna discuss it, we're at the warehouse! Enderman, B.O.B, Karen, the Rake- all of us!) Start writing those names on tombstones, 'cause I'm on the way to your lab, and we're going to see how much of a business you got when I'm done!' [hangs up and growls] All! Of! You! Are! Going! To! Die!||„|
|~ Jeff threatening Eyeless Jack|
|“||[over phone] (Enderman: JEFF!!) Enderman, how's it hanging bud? (Enderman: FUCK YOU JEFF!!) Easy on the language, Endy! (Enderman: YOU DESTROYED MY WEAPONS!! KILLED MY MEN!!!) Oh, boo-fuckity-hoo. We live and we die, that's our curse. Hey, you wanna come fight me about it? Come fucking find me! Proxy Mansion, you block-headed, inbred, contract-stealing fuck!||„|
|~ Jeff challenging Enderman.|
|“||You can jerk me off if I get bored. I'm kidding! You can suck me off.||„|
|~ Jeff to Ms. P|
|“||Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.||„|
|~ Jeff's opinion on life.|
|“||(Laughing Jack: Ah, everyone's favorite fuckboy. Namaste) Nama-go fuck your self.||„|
|~ Jeff bantering with Laughing Jack|
|“|| Masky: I just wish the others were as mature as you.|
Hoodie: They are mature you just.. gotta know them better.
Jeff: (to Hoodie outside the room) Paging Dr. Faggot! Dr. Faggot!
|“|| Jeff: That's Laughing Jack's cat!|
BEN: How can you tell?
Jeff: I never forget a pussy... cat.
|~ Jeff and BEN.|
|“||I'm giving none of this to charity!||„|
|~ Jeff after earning 500,000 dollars on a game show.|
|“|| Ms. P: Jeffery, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.|
Jeff: ....What's your point, Ms. P
|~ Ms. P and Jeff.|
|“|| BEN: Y'know, Zalgo once shook hands with Stalin.|
Jeff: In America it's pronounced "Stallone".
BEN: You're so funny, Jeff.
|~ BEN and Jeff.|
|“|| Jeff: (Jeff picks up a boiling pot that he thinks is tea, but is instead a stool sample from one of Slenderman's enemies inside and drinks it): Holy fuck-a-moley! This tea smells like shit!|
Slenderman: It is shit, Jeffery.
Jeff: Oh, good. Then it's not just me. (drinks again) It's a bit nutty.
|~ Jeff and Slenderman.|
|“|| Jane the Killer: "You know what your problem is, Jeffrey? You never learned to take anything seriously.|
Jeff the Killer: Is that my problem? I thought my problem was that I was fucking crazy.
|~ Jane and Jeff.|
|“||AIN'T THE AMERICAN DREAM GRAND?!||„|
|~ Jeff while firing a machine gun.|
|“||YES!! I DID IT!! NO ONE CAN BEAT THE JEFF!!! I BEAT YOU! HAHAHAAA!!!||„|
|~ Jeff after winning the Washington Triathlon.|
|“||BEN, think about it! You ended up ditching Ms. P to stay with me... two mineutes later, we're the fucking leaders of the the most powerful country on the Earth. You take me out of that equation, you would've joined a cunt. (BEN stares at Jeff) Oh, it's ok... No, I'm allowed to say it, it's a bachelor party. Drink up everybody! Oh wait, there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a fuckin' IHop.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to BEN while eating in an IHop.|
|“||Ah, yes! Welcome to my darkest act ever committed, BEN! I'm gonna blow the United States sky-high and take over the rest of the world! Wait till you see what I have in store! It's gonna be the Holocaust on top of another Holocaust on top of three other Holocausts, with a dash of 9/11, and whatever Stalin did. I'M A FUCKING GOD!||„|
|~ Jeff going over the edge after he becomes president.|
|“|| BEN: Ms. P was right... You ARE crazy!! I should have turned you to the police when I had the chance.|
Jeff: DO IT! I'll put in the fucking ground like the rest of them.
|~ Jeff threatening to kill BEN.|
|“||Good Morning, America. This is your United States weather report with everyone's favorite tyrannical ruler, President Jeff. Chances of a giant nuke destroying the county...100%.||„|
|~ Jeff preparing to destroy the Unites States with a nuclear bomb.|
|“|| Jeff: (throws a chair at Will Grossman's head) Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head, Will?|
Will Grossman: I... I don't know.
Jeff: Sure you do.
Will Grossman: The slashes?
Jeff: Were you slicing or were you cutting?
Will Grossman: I don't know...
Will Grossman: Five, six, seven.
Jeff: In FOUR, dumbass. Look at me!
Will Grossman: One, two, three, four (Jeff slices Will's legs with his knife). One, two, three, four (Jeff slices again). One, two, three, f-
Jeff: Now, was I slicing or was I cutting?
Will Grossman: I don't know.
Jeff: Count again.
Will Grossman: One, two, three, f-(Jeff slices his arm)-our. One, two, three, f-(Jeff slices his forehead)-our. One, two, three, four.
Jeff: Slicing or cutting
Will Grossman: Slicing...
Jeff: So you DO know the fucking difference! If you make me fail you, I will fucking murder your whole fucking family. Now are you a "slicer", or are you a "cutter", or are you going to be ON MY FUCKING TIME?!?
Will Grossman: I'm going to be on your time...
Jeff: Now... Now answer my motherfucking question. Were you fucking slicing? Or were you fucking cutting? ANSWER!!!
Will Grossman: Slicing... (sheds a tear in pain; Jeff quickly notices)
Jeff: Oh my God... Are you one of those single-teared people? Do I look like a double fucking rainbow to you? It's fine. You can unleash the waterworks all you want. You must be upset, are you upset?
Will Grossman: No... (Will tries to wipe his tears)
Jeff: No, so you don't give a shit about any of this?
Will Grossman: I do give a shit.
Jeff: So, are you upset? Yes or fucking no?
Will Grossman: Yes...
Jeff: You are upset...
Will Grossman: Yes...
Jeff: Say it.
Will Grossman: (mumbling) I'm upset.
Jeff: Say it so the whole class can hear you.
Will Grossman: I'm upset...
Jeff: Louder, bitch!
Will Grossman: I'm upset!
Jeff: LOUDER, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Will Grossman: I'm upset!
Jeff: You are a fucking worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of dogshit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't the fucking Unwanted House Guest, and who's now weeping and slobbering all over my weapons like a fucking nine-year-old girl! So, for the final FATHER FUCKING time... SAY IT LOUDER, YOU PUTRID FUCKING CUNT!!!
Will Grossman: (at the top of his lungs) I’M UPSET!!!
Jeff: BEN, call the wah-ambulence cause he got a fucking baby in the house.
|~ Jeff training Will Grossman.|
|“||...And the fat man is yelling DIE CRACKERS DIE!!||„|
|~ Jeff to BEN|
|“||Zalgo's army are employed by the richest, greediest scum in the universe to shit on the poorest and the neediest. So we're going to enjoy shitting on them.||„|
|~ Jeff to Eyeless Jack.|
|“||Surviving is winning, Jack, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.||„|
|~ Jeff the Eyeless Jack|
|“||(gasp) YOU KILLED BLACK EYELESS JACK YOU RACIST SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!!||„|
|~ Jeff after Enderman accidentally kills Black Eyeless Jack.|
|“||You have 10 minutes you fucking retarded pussy ass clown fuck.||„|
|~ Jeff to Laughing Jack.|
|“||You guys are being a real bunch of assholes literally for no reason whatsoever. Literally and absoult- I- I hate- fucking hate everyone. I- I fucking hate everyone. I literally fucking hate everyone. I fucking hate everyone.||„|
|~ Jeff as he is thrown out of a strip club.|
|“||UHG, I'm not usually one for empathy, but you need to get your shit together.||„|
|~ Jeff to the Unwanted House Guest.|
|“||[after seeing The Human Centipede, Nightmare on Elm Street, Childs Play, and Evil Dead, in that order] That was stupid. And anyone who likes them is stupid too. I know that's my opinion, but I'm right.||„|
|~ Jeff's opinion on horror movies|
|“||This book is called "Jack and the Beanstalk". Now that could be the name of a fairy tale, or a porno. Let's find out.||„|
|~ Jeff before reading Sally a bedtime story.|
|“||[holding BEN, who he believes is dead] I- I- didn't never r- r- really got to know him and he-he-he was just learning how to ta-a-a-alk and and he said we-we- we-we were gonna go for a movie night!||„|
|~ Jeff when he thought BEN had died again|
|“||(see's a man's dead body) Oh, Jesus. Oh, that's not good. No, no, no. Oh, fuck. Oh, you're not going to walk that shit off. Oh, that's so fucking gross. I'm so sorry. I spent way too long in the phone booth. If I'm being honest with myself, I probably should have just called 911. (lays on the man's corpse) Well, none of that matters now, because I think we're both missing the real point here: The FUCK is a phone booth doing on a street corner? Didn't those disappear in fucking '98? Heh. Suppose I could have just used my cell. Ooh, Cherry Garcia ice cream. You going to eat this? Don't answer now. Just rest. Actually, I made a call. It was to one of my boys. His name is BEN, he usually helps me with this kind of shit. I don't know how the other guys do it so fucking quickly. I mean, you wouldn't probably be dead if it was Slenderman. What has he got to change into? Guy wears a fucking business suit and pair of dress shoes.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to the dead body of a dead man.|
|“||Don't worry citizens! Jeff Man is here to save the day! I mean, I don't really give a shit about this town at this point but..||„|
|~ Jeff saving the town one last time.|
|“||Wait, what? You are fucking kidding me?! I just saved this motherfucking city and you're asking me to clean the mess that fucktard caused?! (walking away) With all due respect citizens, but you guys can suck my fat fucking balls.||„|
|~ Jeff's response to the citizens of a city he saved asking him to clean all the damages.|
|“||The Old Man and the Sea is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like, HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering 84 days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest sonofabitch on planet Earth. Honestly, if you were in a boat for 84 days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish, even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand". So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio, who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf stream, WAY out north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the 85th day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights, but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding. But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it, with a fucking harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total showoff to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin's carcass, because as we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to fucking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky - DUH! Man calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair - I mean, the sharks were just doing their job. And the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding its own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for its family and WHAM! harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, fuckface? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually, Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - he's super tired. The next morning, a group of fishermen gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles, it's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico - strange that this is the first mention of him - and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.||„|
|~ Jeff telling Sally a bedtime story.|
|“|| Sally: Jeff! It smells like rotting flesh in here! Take the window lock off.|
Jeff: I can't do that, Sally. I don't trust myself not to jump out the window.
|~ Jeff and Sally.|
|“|| Jeff: You wanna hear it? This chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck. But she's worried because she's got a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it in her vagina so when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.|
Ms. P: Maybe this isn't family conversation.
Jeff: Hold on, Ms. P, shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's fucking gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P. S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
|~ Jeff telling everyone his favorite joke in the world.|
|“||[laying in a bathtub] Look at you, you had such dreams ahead of you, such promise, you were perfect back then — okay you were a fucking goodie-two-shoes, had teeth like a fucking chipmunk and a dumb and dumber haircut that only got dumb and dumber — but you had such hope.||„|
|~ Jeff lamenting on what could have been.|
|“||(drunk) Ms. P! It is good to see you! You're looking a little chubby today. (grunts) Nice new tits, by the way.||„|
|~ Jeff to Ms. P after a hangover.|
|“||You... dirty... stuck-up... sadistic... shit-eating, cocksucking, buttfucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumsized, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douchebag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting ASSHOLE!!||„|
|~ Jeff after Laughing Jack burns his money.|
|“|| Zalgo: Jeff. Son of a bunch of nameless, nobody mortals.|
Jeff: Zalgo... Son of a bitch.
|~ Jeff and Zalgo greet each other.|
|“|| Pub Monster: Jeff! I'm talking to you, motherfucker!|
Jeff: Are you? What are you saying?
Pub Monster: Fucking my girl, man, it's wrong.
Jeff: Oooh, but I gotta fuck someone. You want me to fuck you instead? Is that the problem here? Give me those tentacles, cowboy, lets.. let's fuck.
Pub Monster: You think this is funny?
Jeff:GET THEM OFF!!!
Pub Monster: Fuck you, Jeff. I still love her.
Jeff: (begins comforting the monster) Hey, man, it's alright.
Pub Monster: I didn't mean nothing by it man.. I messed up.
Jeff: I know, I know, cowboy, it's okay man. Give me a hug, yeah. (hugs the monster) Shhhhh... (suddenly Jeff grabs the monster by the neck and throws him to the ground. Jeff then stabs the monster repeatably) YOU'RE FUCKING SHIT!! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT!!! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SPEAKING TO?! I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU! YOU STUPID FUCK!!! NEXT TIME, DON'T GET IN MY FUCKING FACE!!! I JUST LOST MY FUCKING FRIEND AND I GOTTA HEAR YOUR SHIT?! GET UP!! GET UP!! (Jeff realizes the monster is dead) FUCK YOU THEN!! (storms away)
|~ Jeff killing a Monster in a fit of rage.|
|“||(pinning an old man against the wall with a knife at his neck) GO TO SLE-what the fuck am I doing? No, really, what the fuck am I doing?! I'll tell you what I'm doing: Killing FUCKING OLD PEOPLE!!! Y'know what? You're off the hook! (walks away before immediately returning) No, no, I don't want to let you live, but at the same time... is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't fucking life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty goddamn pathetic, but it's all I fucking got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well, that's pretty fucking sad," well, you know, yeah, it is fucking sad!! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well, that's a pretty sad existence," well, yeah, it is a pretty sad existence JUST SITTING HERE FUCKING WITH SOME GEPPETTO MOTHERFUCKER!!' I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE FUCKING ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey, why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be fucking invited! I've never even gone out to a, a fuckin' bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club- okay, I've gone to a couple strip clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like (makes a suggestive gesture)... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be fuckin' nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well, I'll tell ya who that fuck-shit is! HE'S FUCKING JEFF THE KILLER! HE RUINS LIVES BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ONE! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS GODDAMN BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT FUCKING HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK?! BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT FUCKING IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA FUCKING BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A FUCKIN' JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs, then stabs the man in the heart, after a while Jeff gets up and casually walks away) Goddamn, I could use a beer.||„|
|~ Jeff ranting about his life while killing an old man.|
|“|| Jeff: (phone rings) Hello?|
The Rake: Greetings, you pathetic, lung breathing pile of meat!
The Rake: Oh, you may have evaded intergalactic law, you rat-brain... but you've not evaded me!
Jeff: Mom, have you been drinking again? And shouldn't you be dead?
|~ Jeff to the Rake.|
|“|| Jeff: Now, I know I've never asked anything of you guys before...|
Hoodie: Did he seriously just say that?
|~ Jeff and Hoodie.|
|“|| Ducky: Uh, no offense... actually, a lot of offense. Why should we trust you?|
Jeff: Oh, come on! When have I ever lied to any of you guys?
Clockwork: [comes running in, holding a piece of paper] Oh my god, you guys, I won a car! [everyone glares at her, she shrugs] I don't check my mail that often.
|~ Jeff and the Proxies.|
|“|| Jeff: Okay... I lied a few times. And I know I've mad some mistakes in the past.|
Jeff: And some times, I've led you into danger.
Jeff: But, at least I had the best intentions in mind.
Ms. P: Yours.
Jeff: And things have always turned out okay.
|~ Jeff arguing with the Proxies.|
|“|| Laughing Jack: Is that sarcasm?|
Jeff: Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few months ago, I was happily killing, sulking by my swimming pool, murdering families and not giving a shit about it, and then you show up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a fucking decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! FORGIVE ME, YOU IGNORANT FUCKS! BUT SARCASM IS ALL I FUCKING GOT!! SARCASM, AND A ROOM FULL OF YOU CUNTS!!!
|~ Jeff snapping at Laughing Jack and the Proxies.|
|“||When did you become a fucking expert on what I fucking can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shit stain?||„|
|~ Jeff to Laughing Jack.|
|“||(With Ticci Tobey on the phone) We ready to do this? (Tobey: Yep. Ms. P doesn't think it's a good idea to turn the mansion into a ship while Slendy's away..) Tell her it's a good idea to turn the mansion into a ship. It's a GREAT idea. And tell BEN we need chips and dip and prostitutes.||„|
|~ Jeff to Ticci Tobey over the phone.|
|“|| Sally Williams: But Jeff, won't this violate your house arrest?|
Jeff: Why? I'm not leaving the house.
|~ Jeff to Sally after turning Proxy Mansion into a spaceship.|
|“|| Jeff: Ron?|
The Rake: It's Rake! R-A-K-E, RAKE! Do you know what that spells?
The Rake: GODAMNNIT!
Jeff: Listen, Rick, what do you want from us anyway?
|~ Jeff and the Rake.|
|“||Let's be honest, I'm not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now, am I?||„|
|~ Jeff to Enderman's goons after he gets the Judge Dredd helmet.|
|“||Ugh... not my best moment. But hey, even in the face of certain doom, I still look good.||„|
|~ Jeff after being punched through a wall by Mancala.|
|“||Sure, I may kill people on an hourly basis and maybe, just maybe, do do funny things to corpses, but at least I don't destroy entire timelines unlike fuckface over there.||„|
|~ Jeff justifying his actions by saying he isn't as bad as Zalgo.|
|“||WHAT THE FUCK?! BRO, WHAT THE FUCK?! OH MY FUCKING GOD, I WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE!! THIS GAME IS FUCKING FUCKED! OH MY FUCKING GOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THIS SHIT OF A FUCKING GAME?!?! HOLY SHIT!!! FUCK THIS GAME!!||„|
|~ Jeff raging over losing an online game.|
|“|| Jeff: I say unto the... the power of Aton compels you!|
Masky (possessed by Zalgo): Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
Jeff: The power of Aton compels you!
Possessed Masky: Does it, Jeff? Is the power of Aton compelling me? Is that what's happening?
Jeff: The power of Aton compels you!
Possessed Masky: Guess what? It's not that compelling.
|~ Jeff trying to exorcise Masky.|
|“||I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!||„|
|~ Jeff talking to BEN.|
|“||HEY THERE, FUCKTARD!!!||„|
|~ Jeff before crashing his space-ship into Zalgo, saving Alice Liddell.|
|“|| Epsilon Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your antithesis? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?|
Jeff: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
|~ Jeff to an Epsilon Recruiter.|
|“||Name? Jeff the Killer. Age? 20s. Sex? Yes please!||„|
|~ Jeff filling out a flyer for the Epsilon Program.|
|“|| Marnie: I used to be called Marnie, now I am Shupar, Queen of the Winds. Doubting is the pathway to believing for non-objectionable persons. The literature is very clear about that.|
Jeff: Mmhmm. Sure you were. Why is it whenever people talk about reincarnation they're always a king or a general or a famous person? How come they're never a serf or a rock or a bug?
|~ Jeff to Marnie during their discussion of reincarnation.|
|“|| Marnie: And it says right here you... assaulted a monk with your friends?|
Jeff: We live an alternative lifestyle.
|~ Jeff and Marnie.|
|“|| Jeff: Yep. This is it. I am one hundred and ten per cent unequivocally positive this is it.|
Marnie: Then you understand, Zondar?
Jeff: I understand that this is fucking it.
|~ Jeff to Marnie about the "alien artifact".|
|“||(being toured through a temple) What is this, a PF Changs?||„|
|~ Jeff while being toured though the Epsilon temple.|
|“||Allow myself to introduce... myself.||„|
|~ Jeff messily greeting Cris Formage.|
|“|| Jeff: Women can't run things. They're too emotional, irrational. I need women's rage to tear it all down, 'cause then I'm gonna be the last one standing to lead them. Amen! Helter Skelter!|
Marnie: You fucking twat.
Jeff: A fucking twat, yes. But at least I'm a fucking twat who knows the truth: that women need to be grabbed by their pussies and led, preferably to the kitchen to make me a sandwich.
|~ Jeff talking to Magnolia and effectively betraying the Epsilon Cult.|
|“|| Cris Formage: You fucking traitor. After all we've been through. You can consider your enlightenment revoked, you son of a bitch!!|
Jeff: And you can consider this my refund. Funny thing is, Cris. I don't want your stupid ass money. So me and my boys are just gonna fucking burn it all.
Cris Formage: YOU DIMWITS!! There's 2 millions dollars in there!
Jeff: Thanks for telling me something I don't give a shit about.
Cris Formage: Don't you realize how powerful I am! I will send countless of my men after you and everyone you know! WE WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!!! YOU WILL THE THE FERTILIZER OF THE 10TH PARADIGM!! NO ONE ESCAPES CRIS FORMAGE!!
Jeff: Yes, except all three of your wives. Anyway, I gotta go, Brother Brother. Kifflom.
|~ Jeff to Cris Formage before he, Smile Dog, and BEN destroy 2 million dollars.|
|“|| Jeff: I'm telling you guys, Ducky is the fucking worst. (doorbell rings, Jeff goes to answer it) And I'm not just saying that, I'd say that straight to her face. (answers the door to reveal Ducky)|
Ducky: I need your help.
Jeff: ....You're the fucking worst. (slams the door)
|~ Jeff to Ducky.|
|“|| Ducky: You wanna know why this room was locked up? This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my father's ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there's me. I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid parents! (Takes off diamond earrings and throws them at a painting of President Bush) You were right about me. I am just another link in the world's worst chain.|
Jeff: (Sighs) Ducky, usually I'd just laugh and say "I told you so", but I know what it's like to have terrible parents. I'm ... (Smile Dog nudges him)...sorry about what I said earlier. But just because you're your parents' daughter doesn't mean you have to be like them. It's not too late.
|~ Jeff motivating Ducky.|
|“|| Librarian Assistant: I'm sorry, but do you mind taking this fight outside?|
Jeff: We don't pick a ballroom, we just dance!
|~ Jeff before battling Shadowlurker and X in the Multiverse Library.|
|“||It's like... pornography or a perfect turd. I can't quite describe it, but I'll know it when I see it||„|
|~ Jeff while searching for a Multiverse crystal with BEN.|
|“|| Zalgo: Ahh, Jeff the Killer. Prized student of my worthless son! Say, I hear your also the boyfriend to Princess Atta!|
Jeff: I like to think of myself as a demon-killing, long-term booty call, thank you very much.
|~ Jeff to Zalgo.|
|“|| Jeff: Only two things scare me, and one of them is demons taking over the world.|
BEN: (long pause) ....What's the other?
BEN: What's the other thing that scares you?
Jeff: Clowns. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Huge hands.
|~ Jeff to BEN.|
|“|| Jeff: (holds up a porno magazine) Who did this?|
Skeet: Did what? What are you talking about?
Jeff: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine owned by the legendary Unwanted House Guest. Was it you, BEN? No. No?
Laughing Jack: It was me, Jeff. I fucking made jizz on his magazine.
Jeff: The FUCK?! Why?
Laughing Jack: When I fucking jack off long enough, I end up jizzing, dude. I'm assuming the same shit works for you?
Jeff: Real fucking smart answer! That's just like you, Jack! UGH hasn't even been dead for 4 fucking hours and you're already cumming on his shit! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?
Laughing Jack: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fucking wild fireman's hose. You just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get in your eyes or your mouth.
Jeff: The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You didn't learn to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fucking tissue?
Laughing Jack: No, I don't have any brothers. I lived in a fucking box for most of my life!
Jeff: I highly doubt you didn't fucking learn to fucking close your eyes and fucking cum wherever you want!
Laughing Jack: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fucking porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers! You live in a mansion with fucking iPads in the walls, yet you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
Jeff: That's right, man. I like to fucking read!
Ms. P: Horseshit.
Laughing Jack: You think that's the only thing I jerked off in here? I've been dropping loads around this fucking house like a goddamn dump truck.
Jeff: You don't cum on his stuff! He's dead, dude, have a little respect!
Laughing Jack: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, Jeff. I'll fucking cum in his kitchen. I'll cum on his fucking art. I'll cum anywhere I want! I'll fucking cum on his grave if I have to!
Jeff: I will fucking cum right on you! (makes a "jerking off" gesture with his hands) I will cum like a fucking madman all over you, fucktard!
Laughing Jack: Ooh. I fucking wish you'd cum on me right now! I fucking dare you to cum on me! (he and Jeff make violent jerking gestures at each other) I'm gonna jack my dick so fucking hard in here!
Jeff:This, no more, man. All over your fucking face!
Laughing Jack: This all more! All over the fucking place! I'll fucking cum anywhere I want! I'll fucking cum on these walls! I'll cum on the fucking cabinets! On the fucking furniture! I'll cum everywhere!
Jeff: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!
Laughing Jack: You don't have enough bullets, bitch.
Jeff:No fucking jerking off in his house, Jack!
|~ Jeff having an argument with Laughing Jack.|
|“||Hey! Hey, asshole! Hey, come on! You pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker. You killed UHG. Now it's time to fucking pay. Nobody's scared of you, you fucking blue hedgefuck. Yeah, bring your ass over here, bitch. Nobody's fucking scared of you. I'm Jeff the motherfucking Killer! Yeah! I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause, I'm about to fuck you raw. For the last goddamn time! LET'S FUCK SOME SHIT UP!!!||„|
|~ Jeff confront X after the Unwanted House Guest's deaths.|
|“|| Jeff: HEY, RICK! HOW ABOUT FUCKING THEM THE FUCK UP!!|
Rick Bernstein: Language!
Jeff: SUCK A COCK!!
|~ Jeff arguing with Rick during the Battle of Arcosia.|
|“||FUCK YOU, YOU ONE-EYED ASSHOLE! I'LL DO THIS MYSELF!||„|
|~ Jeff screaming at Aton.|
|“||HAHA!! Hey, you ugly fucks! Check me out! I'm the Ghost of Christmas KICK-YOUR-ASS!||„|
|~ Jeff while fighting Zalgo's minions.|
|“||YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!! I'LL KILL YOU!! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!!!! THAT WAS A DUMB IDEAAAAAAAA!!!!||„|
|~ Jeff after Zalgo killed Slenderman.|
|“||Zalgo wants us to be afraid. He wants us to hide. Those are our friends out there, and if we don't do something, it'll be our entire omniverse! So I say instead of waiting around to be killed, we band together and take the fight to him! We are gonna FUCK HIS SHIT UP!!!!||„|
|~ Jeff to the Monsters of the Under Realm, inspiring them to stand up against Zalgo.|
|“|| Jeff: Well, would you look at that. Intolerance rears it's ugly head.|
Enderman: I'm not a fucking racist, you dumb cunt!
|~ Jeff talking to Enderman.|
|“||Only best buddies execute demons together.||„|
|~ Jeff as he and the New Elite rampage to Zalgo's castle.|
|“|| Jeff: Hey! Hey! Hey! I just wanna say how fucking proud I am of this team. You know, you guys look fucking amazing! Rick, I have no doubt you look amazing too. This is the family that I've always dreamed of having and I... Ah, shit. I just get a little choked up sometimes.|
Ducky: Just so we're all clear: if I die, I'm suing all of you!
Eyeless Jack: I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?
Jeff: Jack, my darling little boy. I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.
Enderman: Did he just fucking call himself God?
Masky: I think he did.
Jeff: I'd like to go home. - And I'd like... the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I've spent years as a Proxy. YOU THINK WE DIDN'T JUMP OUT OF A PLANE BECAUSE OF A LIGHT FUCKING BREEZE!? YOU'RE IN THE SHIT NOW, HOLES! (whispering) I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. (shouting again) ENDERMAN, HIT THAT SHIT!
|~ Jeff's speech to the New Elite.|
|“||Yeah, you get 'em, Enderman. Half this comic's budget comin' up!||„|
|~ Jeff before the battle between Enderman and X.|
|“||Wait, we gotta hold hands to make the zodiac work? What is this, a fuckin' Care Bears special?||„|
|~ Jeff when instructed how to activate the Zalgo Zodiac.|
|“||Jack, if you deliberately sabotage the plan, I will fuck you like a pig.||„|
|~ Jeff to Laughing Jack when he refuses to get into the Zalgo Zodiac.|
|“|| Laughing Jack: Whoa. Hey. I'm not the enemy here, people. (points at Jeff and BEN) Don't forget the two fucktards who literally gave Zalgo the crystals in the first place.|
Jeff: Godfucking dammit... I'm sorry, Jack. I know. Just help me fix it. Please.
Laughing Jack:Fine. Just do one thing. But if I do, you have to be my butler for the next few months.
Jeff: The fuck did you just say?
Laughing Jack: You pretty caused the apocalypse in the first place, the least you could do is be my bitch for one month. You want me to get in the circle? Be my bitch!
Jeff: Fine, whatever. I don't give a shit. Just get in the fucking circle, asshole. (Laughing Jack finally holds Jeff and BEN's hands in the circle) Now, see. Between me and him, I'm not a dumbass.
Laughing Jack: ....Between him and me. (Jeff glares hatefully at Laughing Jack as the group looks in fear; Jeff is now seething with rage as Laughing Jack smiles smugly) ...Grammar is important, Jeffery.
Jeff: (breaks the circle to attack Laughing Jack) YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKING KNOW-IT-ALL!!!
|~ Jeff trying and failing to get Laughing Jack in the circle.|
|“|| Shadowlurker: Sorry. I was too busy watching you two argue I forgot to trap you all.|
Jeff: Hey look! It's Zalgo's bitch! Tell me, who's boots are tastier to lick: Zalgo's or X's?
Shadowlurker: Call me whatever you want, foolish mortal! In a few hours I will still be alive... And you will be dead.
Zalgo: (rises up to them all) "Oh, no, it's Zalgo!" ..Right? Isn't that what you're all thinking? Hey, Bigmouth why aren't you dancing? Chop, chop, huh?
|~ Jeff being confronted by Zalgo and Shadowlurker.|
|“|| Jeff: It doesn't have to go this way, Shadowlurker! That piece of shit... he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. But if you kill us, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse. You don't wanna hurt anyone.|
Shadowlurker: How do you know what I want?
Jeff: Because I've been inside you.... That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes.... Which is also off-putting. It's just not a great analogy. The point is... there are people... There are people in this fucking world... besides him, who will treat you right. If he reaches full power, he'll kill you. You know he will. It isn't too late. Don't do it. Please.
|~ Jeff to the Shadowlurker.|
|“||I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU CUNT!! (while simultaneously beating Zalgo with a bat) CUNT!! CUNT!! CUNT!!! CUNT!!! CUNT!!!||„|
|~ Jeff while beating Zalgo with a bat.|
|“|| Zalgo: Hold on. If you all let me go, I'll give you anything! Money, fame, infinite power, YOUR OWN UNIVERSE! Have mercy!|
Jeff: NO! You're goin' down, fuckboy. You're gettin' erased. You're going to die and pay for everything you've done! For what you did to Slenderman, Mr. Widemouth, UHG, Shadowlurker, EVERYONE! And after you're dead you're legacy will be nothing but a fat fucking joke. And even if you do somehow live, you'll live the rest of your miserable life knowing that people will laugh at you for losing to a bunch of mortals. This multiverse laughs at you. It beat you. I BEAT YOU!!!
|~ Jeff to Zalgo.|
|“|| Jeff: (to the Proxies and other friends) I don't know how to thank you all. Defeating Zalgo was not easy and we did it. I hope you all take something away from this. You're my friends for life, I hope you know that. (turns to Enderman) Even you, Blockhead. We would have been fucked if not for that robot. I would give you a high-five, but you don't have any fingers. So I think a crisp hug will suffice.|
Jeff [gets closer to Enderman] Yes. Here we go. Bring it in. [hugs Enderman] Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go tip to tip. There we go, the kids call this docking. [a ray gun sound goes off] Did you just shoot me in my dick?
Enderman: I shot you in your dick, yeah.
|~ Jeff and Enderman.|
|“||(holding a baby) That's okay. Let me see here. Oh, gosh. That's why you're such a little bastard. No one's ever changed you. Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you? God, it smells like Hitler's anus, which... which would make sense, wouldn't it? Yeah. I think we both know I don't have what it takes to do this, so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick, and then I'm gonna revive Zalgo and bring him to meet you. He loves killing kids.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to an annoying baby.|
|“|| Jeff: Well isn't this fucking special! I didn't know we were having a Mexican over in Jeff's classroom.|
Paco: Y- y- You're J- Je-
Jeff: (makes fun of his stuttering) IT'S AN EASY FUCKING NAME TO REMEMBER! You gotta real fucking problem talking do ya? SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT!! You're not fucking ready to do this! But I'm fucking ready! I'm fucking hard! I'm ready to fuck! YOU READY TO FUCK TOO?! C'mon let's see the Under Realm!
|~ Jeff taking Paco, a young Proxy, to see the Under Realm.|
|“|| Paco: (sees monsters eating each other) HOLY FUCK!!|
Jeff: Holy fuck is right! It's rad, isn't it. You better get fucking ready 'coz it is GAME ON, full on tutorial time. Ok, now first things first. How about we go grab ourselves a car?
|~ Jeff leads Paco into the Under Realm.|
|“|| Jeff: (after hijacking a car) GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!|
Paco: It's going kind of fast for me, I need to...
Jeff: No, it's gonna be fun, amigo. Just try not to tip it cuz I'm getting balls deep, Sanchez. Now GET IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING CAR!!
|~ Jeff telling Paco to get in a hijacked vehicle.|
|“|| Paco: Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck just happened?Jeff: You just died. Thankfully, all this never happened. You're still in your room, sleeping like a baby.|
Paco: I don't-
Jeff: It's all bullshit. All of it. Well-crafted bullshit, but bullshit nonetheless.
|~ Jeff revealing to Paco he is in a dream.|
|“||(Paco and Jeff are transported to a pool float in the middle of a sunny day in front of the Washington Monument) It;s fucking great, isn't it? This place is everything your useless, shitty life isn't. I mean, we can do whatever the fuck we can do. Ride a few boats, make a million dollars, fuck as many hot strippers as we want. This is a consequence-free Wonderland of bullshit. Just waiting- waiting for your next idea. In it's own fucked up way, it's paradise... Goddamn beautiful even.||„|
|~ Jeff having a heart-to-heart talk with Paco.|
|“||You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me, P?! Just say so! Go ahead! Here! [pulls down his pants to moon Ms. P, who crosses her arms and facepalms] Huh?! Go ahead, Mommy! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck me so bad?! Go on P! Fuck me! Fuck me!||„|
|~ Jeff's rage over Ms. P not getting him an IPad.|
|“||Fuck Gravity Falls. First they ride on our coattails with the "looks like a kids show but sorta isn't", and then they pussy out by not killing off that old motherfucker. What a dick. Well, guess what, Grunkle Stan? I'm dying in this finale, and unlike you, it'll be for good.||„|
|~ Jeff talking to the audience.|
|“||Jeff: I don't speak Arcosian, Mr... [looks at card that is spelled in Arcosian, then tosses it] Well, I'm not even going to attempt that. But I did take second grade Spanish, so donde esta la biblioteca? Which literally translates to: I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker.||„|
|~ Jeff to an Arcosian gangster.|
|“||I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Pastamonsters is a family comic. True story. And every big family film starts... with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.||„|
|~ Jeff to the audience.|
|“|| Skeet: According to the Kübler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.|
Jeff: Jesus Christ, Skeet, back off. No more speaking lines for you.
|~ Jeff to Skeet.|
|“||All these elderly white men on the walls... Should have brought my rape whistle.||„|
|~ Jeff while walking through the White House.|
|“||(knocks multiple paintings of presidents off the walls) Those were already damaged after they fell there! What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my fucking feelings? And how would I do that exactly? 'Cause where the fuck is everyone? It's always just you and Skeeters Lamar Longest Name Ever!||„|
|~ Jeff to Rick Bernstein.|
|“|| Rick Bernstein: (strangling Jeff in anger) WHY, JEFF?! WHY?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A CHANGED MAN!!!|
Jeff: Sorry I'm not a government fuckboy like you!
Rick Bernstein: We have rules! You are not judge, jury or executioner!
Jeff: Fuck your rules! I fight for what I want, and sometimes you gotta fight dirty.
|~ Rick and Jeff.|
|“|| Black John Louis: I'm Black Tom Cassidy.|
Jeff: White Jeff the Killer.
|~ Jeff and Black John Louis introducing themselves.|
|“||We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the fucking sunset, Sally. It ends with me getting killed... and you winning the prison award for softest mouth.||„|
|~ Jeff to Sally.|
|“|| Mandavi: Meet Pinkamena Diane Pie.|
Jeff: Cool name. Now without turning this into another brony message board, what are your superpowers?
Pinkamena: I can torture people to death and bake them into delicious treats. I'm also good with torture and executions, causing anxiety, confusion, and pain.
Jeff: So, basically, you're Hillary Clinton.
|~ Jeff meeting Pinkamena.|
|“||In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In "Cool Runnings," it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In "The Last Jedi," it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this comic, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet Bottom.||„|
|~ Jeff after being shot by Laughing Jack.|
|“|| Enderman: We're probably going to be dead in a few years. Your generation's completely fucked this world into a coma.|
Jeff: (gasp) Spoiler alert, Blockhead!
|~ Jeff talking to Enderman.|
|“||Let's dance. And by dance, I mean let's try to kill each other.||„|
|~ Jeff beginning his fight with Laughing Jack.|
|“|| Jeff: (Slenderman tries to heal Jeff's wound) No, no, no! Stop, Slendy! Just let it happen!|
Slenderman: But Jeff... If I can't heal you, you'll die.
Jeff: I haven't done anything right my whole damn life, Slendy.... You need to give me this.
|~ Jeff accepting his impending death,|
|“|| Jeff: Before I go... Sorry. Still got a bit left in me. Ms. P.. I want you to have it. Turns out I'm the lucky one.|
Ms. P: (wipes her tears) Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff: Hoodie, Masky... Been a pleasure. Hi, B.O.B!
B.O.B: (smiles and waves) Hi, Jeff!
Jeff: Bush.. Treat Ducky and Rick right. They need you. (turns to Rick) Say "fuck" for me. Just once, we'll do it together. 1.. 2...
Jeff: Ha ha! Enjoy Hell, swamp mouth. (turns to Slenderman) Slendy, I know I haven't been exactly Student of the Year. I know I haven't been a goo friend, but I knew you were one to me. (turns to Clockwork) Goodbye, Crazy Girl. (turns to Enderman) And Enderman. You get back to the Rake and B.O.B. Tell them Jeff said "Hi". And promise me one thing: That you will not judge people by the color of the skin, but by the content of their character.
Enderman: Jesus Fucking Christ.
Jeff: Eyeless Jack, Ticci Tobey.. You two stay out of traffic. You two are too pure for this dark, dark world. Where's S-Dog? (Smile Dog jumps to Jeff's side) There you are! You're BEN's now, okay? He's gonna take good care of you now! Be a good boy while I'm gone, okay? ... (BEN comes to Jeff's side) BEN, Family is not an F-word. There's one out there for you, bud. It's here all around you. Here, take my knife (hands BEN his knife). Remember me by this. (turns to Sally) I told you I cared about you Sally. I'm sorry I didn't do none of it right, but I'm damn lucky you're my girl. Guys, for a second there... we made a pretty good team. (goes limb but then revives) Oh, it's so hard to go. I just love being around you guys so much. So, so much. Mmm. No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah. I feel the soul exiting the husk. Yeah. Can you see it? Do you see that beautiful bright light? Oh, there it is. (gazes into the light for a few moments before blinking) Oh, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that. Ok, it's death time. I need to choose my final words. Woodpecker.... Gingivitis... Codswallop..... Do You Want to Build a Snowman? (stares at the ceiling before dying)
|~ Jeff's death.|
- The Pastamonsters version of Jeff is arguably the strongest Jeff the Killer incarnation of all time. A short list of his feats include killing a team of trained assassins in about 1/3 of a second, survived a fall from orbit, lifting the stone-made Proxy Mansion over his head, defeating Zalgo three times, fighting off Enderman's armed forces and an entire alien empire with ease (albeit enhanced by the Judge Dredd helmet); defeated the entire Epsilon cult without problems with a little help from Smile and BEN; survived a brutal beating by Slenderman; and saved the multiverse five times.
- Jeff's behavior heavily imply he suffers from ASPD/sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia.
- Jeff believes in the Illuminati and Lizard People.
- Although many people believe that he's either 13 (like his original Creepypasta counterpart) or 18 years old, Comickit has stated that he (along with BEN and Ms. P) is actually in his early 20s.
- Jeff took trombone lessons in junior college.
- Comickit once stated that Jeff shoves his knife up his anus whenever he has too many weapons to carry.
- Jeff collects Star Wars memorabilia, confirming Jeff as a Star Wars fan.
- Jeff is revealed to have a set of names for his knife, including "Ronald", "Frank", and on occasions, "Lola".
- When playing golf against Ducky in "The Golf War", he claims he was the American under-18 champion and "almost went pro".
- Jeff's favorite food is steak. He always packs it in his "magic bag" when he's in a mission in the Human World. He usually puts it over a campfire by sticking his knife into it and roasts it above the fire, which usually causes the steak to fall into the fire (although he denies it). Sometimes he's able to salvage it and others he's like "Guess I'll die". He also really loves cookies and other sweets.
- Jeff also appears to suffer from Coulrophobia, since his dialogue suggests that he once was or still is scared of clowns, saying such things as "I'm a big boy now" and "you can't hurt me anymore" when faced with Bubba the Clown. He also once asked Bubba the Clown "Are there any more sex offenders out there!?" This implies that as a child Jeff was sexually assaulted by a clown when he was young thus causing his fear of clowns. Additionally, Sally once pranked Jeff by telling him there were two clowns looking for him, Jeff then started to get a little worried asking "Clowns? Where?!" which may prove he is still scared of clowns.
- There is a running gag of Jeff getting sexually assaulted in one way or another throughout the series. He has been possibly molested by a clown in his younger days, raped by a bug, and it's implied the Unwanted House Guest fondles him in his sleep.
- Despite the fact his mother tried to murder him, he misses his mother dearly and it's implied by BEN he still owns his mother's old sweater, which he sometimes wears and cries in.
- Jeff has implied on multiple occasions that he committed horrible acts even before becoming insane. Said acts being killing neighborhood animals, lighting a mall on fire, and brutally attacking his skateboarding rival by shoving the skateboard up his anus. Due to Jeff's tendency to make himself sound scary, either one or all of these could be false.
- Jeff's signature color is white. His jacket is white, his face is very, very bright white. Most of his other outfits typically have white as the primary color, such as his tuxedo in "Native American Throwdown" and "Bigmouth Manor Mystery".
- He can play the piano perfectly provided he is drunk. He also can play drums and the French Horn.
- It is hinted by BEN and Laughing Jack that Jeff has a very small penis.
- Jeff is usually shown to be weak, but in some episodes, he has super strength and is inhumanly strong and durable.
- Jeff has appeared in the most episodes out of any character in the series.
- He is ambidextrous.
- According to a poll, Jeff is considered the second most popular character on Pastamonsters (only beaten by BEN).
- Even though Slenderman is the owner of the Proxy Mansion, in one episode the narrator said that Jeff was the owner.
- When he goes to the beach, he often wears his usual clothing. He states it's to keep BEN from staring at him.
- His Proxy Identification card states that he has broken out of 135 prisons, both in and out of the United States.
- A bottle that has the label "Liu's Ashes" can be seen constantly in Jeff's room, possibly meaning Jeff is remorseful for killing his brother.
- Jeff represents the Deadly Sin of Pride.
- He has a fear of spiders, needles, clowns and Chinese food.
- Although he said to be a virgin, he has been seen having sex on various occasions with Princess Atta and Ms. P.
- Jeff is arguably even more evil than President Bush, as "Proxyland" showcases. While Bush mistreats and abuses his power and killed many to get where he is, he did make sure America had some type of order, warped though it may have been, and Bush did, in fact, respect America, the American way, and it's many laws. Contrasting this, Jeff, once in power, uses the flag as a doormat, shreds the Constitution, and turns America into a lawless hellhole, but he doesn't even try to convince Americans that he's the hero the way that Bush attempted to; he knows he's the bad guy here, he's loving every minute of it and he especially loves making sure they know it.
- Comickit thinks Jeff's spirit animal would be a wolf.
- Jeff is notorious for being a terrible driver. In "Figment", he weaves around active airplanes (including one that's landing at the airstrip) to shake Enderman and the Rake off, which gets most of his assistant Proxies killed. He drives so insanely fast that Mr. Widemouth can barely keep up with him. According to Slenderman, Jeff makes BEN, a drug addict who is whacked out of his mind 99% of the time look like a professional driver.
- Jeff doesn't play sports because he thinks sports are for nerds. Despite this, his profile claims Jeff was a quarterback on the Proxy High's football team.
- According to Enderman, sometimes when Jeff gets drunk, he goes outside Proxy Mansion, and throws grenades into random locations.
- Jeff's Proxy Identification humorously states "None of your business card".
- Despite being afraid of clowns, Jeff apparently once had a job with BEN as party clowns.
- Jeff has died multiple times throughout the series (most of them are just one-off gags and he usually returns in the very next scene):
- Had his throat slit by the Rake.
- Presumably shot to dead by Enderman or the Rake.
- Throat slit by ants.
- Suicide via gunshot.
- Suicide via hanging.
- Head crushed by logs.
- An aneurysm caused by The Emoji Movie.
- Car crash.
- Killed by Russian assassin via gunshot.
- Electrocuted to death after sticking a fork in an outlet.
- Stabbed in the chest by Laughing Jack. Unlike the others, Jeff actually dies from this one.
- He gets at most 3 hours of sleep.
- His favorite music is heavy metal rock and his favorite musical groups include AC/DC, Black Sabbath, and Skrillex.
- He possibly suffers from nightmares, as in some episodes he wakes up screaming and brandishing his knife. BEN also once stated that Jeff mumbles in his sleep.
- Jeff is the only member of Slenderman's Proxies who has defeated Zalgo one-on-one.
- According to Comickit, if Jeff was in Hogwarts his house would most likely be in Slytherin and his boggart would be a clown.
- Despite his favorite music genre being heavy metal rock, Jeff's favorite song is Ocean Man by Ween, which is alternative rock.
- Jeff was originally going to die in "To Proxy Mountain" and "Legends of the Multiverse", in which case BEN would take his place as the main protagonist. However, on both occasions Comickit backed out.
- Jeff wanted his name to be "Tyrone".
- Jeff has a habit of picking his teeth with his knife when in deep thought.
- Jeff has a tattoo on his stomach that says "Cut here".
- Jeff once went to the hospital for eating pencil shavings.
- Jeff has been banned from several establishments in both the Under Realm and Human World presumably due to his anger problems and annoying nature, including Cesar's Palace, Walmart, Slenderman's hotels, and several McDonald's.
- According to Comickit, Jeff has to sleep with a sleep mask, because it's the only way he can go to sleep due to his lack of eyelids.
- Contrary to his nature as a serial killer, Jeff's favorite holiday is Christmas. In fact, the only gift-giving holiday he enjoys is Christmas. He also loves Halloween, for slightly different reasons.
- Jeff's least favorite holiday is Valentine's Day.
- Jeff's favorite color is "blood", despite the fact his signature color is white.
- Despite cutting his eyelids off, Jeff can occasionally be seen with black eyelids.
- He is one of the few versions of Jeff the Killer to die.
- Despite being afraid of clowns, Jeff has a clown poster on the ceiling of his room that says "Sleep Tight!"
- Comickit has said that they teared up while writing Jeff's death scene.
- Rick Bernstein once said that Jeff's criminal record is so long that only the 'most egregious' need to be recited to justify his execution.
- Jeff has his own brand of cereal in the Under Realm.
- Jeff thinks reading is for nerds.
- As revealed by Aton, Jeff was a polar bear in his previous life.
- Jeff has his own flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream called A Slice of Jeff-'o Berry Fudge.
- One of the ciphers in the Unwanted House Guest's notes reveals Jeff is a descendant of Abraham Lincoln.
- It is shown many times in the series that Jeff is illiterate.
- Jeff's phone has an enormous crack on it, making text messages difficult to read.
- Jeff once threw BEN into a lake for beating him in a game of Mario Kart.
- As shown in "11 Knives a' Stabbin'", Jeff has his own Christmas album called A Very Jeffery Christmas.
- Jeff is the first Proxy to have his own origin episode, followed by Natalie Clockwork later on.
- Jeff is right-handed.
- Jeff once lost his middle and pinkey finger during an intense match of Five Finger Fillet against Laughing Jack. He later healed it after drinking Ms. P's healing potions.
- Jeff can smell things and scents even though he does not have a nose, or his nostrils are so small that they're not visible.
- The only characters in the entire series who was shown to truly intimidate or frighten Jeff were Slenderman, The Hag, and the Stiltwalker.
- According to Princess Atta, Jeff is wanted by the Time Police for a bounty of 400,000,000,000,000,000 Earth dollars. This large bounty is likely for Jeff's destruction of the Squoomian Galaxy.