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Spoiler alert; die the- I don’t know why they say that in the beginning. They die and then- uhh- but- it’s like Titanic, you know tha- you know tha- you know that shit’s gonna sink but you still get to watch it, uhh- so…
„
~ Lord Capulet at the beginning of the play
Lord Fulgencio Capulet, simply known as Lord Capulet is the main antagonist of the theatrical parody, Romeo and Juliet but without any rehearsals, an adaptation of the iconic play of the same name.
He is the patriarch and de-facto leader of the Capulet Family and the father of Juliet, who seeks to wed her off to a suitor named Paris in order to earn his inheritance and have a viable excuse to kick Juliet out of his household.
He is portrayed by FamilyJules, in his first villainous role.
Lord Capulet is first seen monologuing about the Capulet and Montague houses, while stuttering several times and breaking the forth-wall in the process. He then walks off stage.
He is later seen with his servant, Peter and an extremely wealthy aristocrat, Paris. He tells them that he’s going to host a party for his daughter, Juilet, who he says is hot. He then commands Peter to spread the word of the party to everyone he knows. Peter asks if he can come to the party, to which he says no.
At the party, Lord Capulet welcomes two people (without knowing that they’re actually Romeo and Mercutio) to his rager, and compliments them by calling them “fine fellas”. He then takes a sip from his cup and compliments Romeo’s abs. Tybalt then tells Lord Capulet that the people he welcomed earlier is actually Romeo, though he doesn’t believe him. He then gives Romeo the permission to flirt with his daughter, and decides to huddle up with his gang. Lord Capulet tells everyone in the party to chill out and decides to leave with Tybalt, thanks to the former’s attempt to separate Romeo and Juliet.
Later on, Lord and Lady Capulet tell off Paris for failing to cheer up his daughter. Lord Capulet then decides that Juliet is old enough to leave the house and get married, despite the fact that she’s 14 years old. Paris then tells Lord Capulet that he wants to have sex with his daughter, much to the former’s interest. The three all collectively decide that the wedding will take place at Thursday, though this gets rectified later.
After Romeo and Juliet have sex, Lady Capulet tells her that the wedding will take place at Thursday. Lord Capulet shows up, and delightfully tells his daughter that she’s going to marry Paris, because of his giant penis. Juliet declares that she hates her parents, though Lord Capulet seems to like this fact, as he tells her to keep that energy for Thursday.
A scene later, Juliet announces that she’s glad to marry Paris, much to Lord Capulet’s joy and pleasure. She then tell him to leave her alone in order to get dressed and prepare for the marriage. Lord Capulet then decides to perform the wedding at Wednesday.
At the very end of the play, Lady Capulet calls her husband to witness the corpse of her daughter. Lord Capulet then screams in horror and fear of what he has witnessed. He then decides to call off the wedding, unites the Capulet and Montague houses in peace, and marries Lord Montague, all in order to avenge his daughter’s death. He is last seen carrying Lord Montague offstage.
Quotes[]
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Shut up for a second. Now listen, I gotta tell you something. You’re Peter, right? (Peter: Yes, sir.) I’m gonna have… a rager!
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~ Lord Capulet to Peter.
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One second. One second, tiger. One second. One second. I need you to tell everyone you know... that's it's gonna be the party of a lifetime. (Peter: Can I come?) No.
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~ Lord Capulet demanding to invite everyone Peter knows to the party.
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Well, you know what they say. You wanna fuck my daughter, you gotta fuck me first. Just kidding, you got the part.
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~ Lord Capulet agreeing and joking with Paris.
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Whoo hoo! Yeah, rager! Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah!
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~ Lord Capulet at the party.
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Did somebody say Juliet?
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~ Lord Capulet referring to Juliet at the party.
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Yo, look at these fine fellows! Come on, come oncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon, whatsupwhatsup? Welcome to my party! This is my party. Yeah- (incoherent rambling)
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~ Lord Capulet welcoming Romeo and his allies to the party (but not knowing it’s actually them).
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Damn, you shoot with that, abs?
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~ Lord Capulet complementing Romeo’s abs.
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SHUT UP, MY DAUGHTER HAS DEPRESSION!
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~ Lord Capulet telling Paris to silence himself whilst commenting on Juliet’s mental health.
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What the… FRICK is a messenger? It’s like the year one thousand something!
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~ Lord Capulet not knowing what a messenger is.
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It is time Juliet leaves this house! She’s old enough! She’s fourteen, and I’m sick… in general, but also of my daughter, just… freeloading.
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~ Lord Capulet revealing his intentions to dispose of Juliet after wedding her to Paris to inherit his fortune.
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Huge shlong, you’re gonna love him.
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~ Lord Capulet telling Juliet about Paris.
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There’s gonna be balloons, and there’s gonna be bounce houses! There’s gonna be party music! There’s gonna be wrestling! I want a ba-
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~ Lord Capulet on the preparations for the wedding before Juliet interrupts him.
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Now that’s pretty poggers, I must say!
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~ Lord Capulet approving Juliet’s faux decision to marry Paris.
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Gonna be balloons and gonna be- OH, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… FUCK! MY GODDAMN DAUGHTER IS DEAD! NO! NOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
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~ Lord Capulet witnessing Juliet’s unconscious body.
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Balloons and a- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHO! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! SHE’S DEAD AGAIN!
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~ Lord Capulet witnessing his daughter’s corpse for a second time.
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My daughter has died! Damn, you look cute!
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~ Lord Capulet’s complement to Lord Montague, regarding his appearance.
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Lord Capulet: Alright, I think we came off on the wrong foot. Lord Montague, will you be my husband? Lord Montague: Woahwoahwoahwoah! But we are mortal enemies! Lord Capulet: Not if we marry, over the death of our children. Lord Montague: I mean, I-I- I am sad, and I am lonely, and I see that you are also sad and lonely. Lord Capulet: Then let us warmth each other, with sad and lonely feelings or something!
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~ Lord Capulet’s marriage proposal to Lord Montague.
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Let’s do it!
„
~ Lord Capulet’s final words in the play.
Trivia[]
Lord Capulet’s actor, FamilyJules, as well as the rest of the fandom, describes him as a “drunken party dad”.
Lord Capulet is implied to be either bisexual or gay, considering how he marries Lord Montague and called him cute during the final scene.
