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FOOLS! I have the crystal now.. And every last being in this universe will be consumed in darkness! HAAHAHAHA!! I am the supreme leader of the universe and you will bow down before me!
~ Malitch now possessing the crystal.

Malitch is a major antagonist in the webcomic Pastamonsters, serving as the false antagonist in "The Chain Mail" and the main antagonist of the (non-canon) fifth and final season of the series, "Jeff and the Darkness". He is an immensely powerful dark wizard who means to bring about never-ending darkness by stealing the Umbra Crystal and using its powers to cast all universes into darkness. 

He used to be partners with Zalgo, but Malitch had attempted to betray the demon by killing him and taking over his army. His plan backfired when he was driven insane by the mere sight of Zalgo. From that day forward, Malitch lost all memory of who he was and his powers, and ended up living in a swamp. Following Zalgo's defeat, the memory spell put on Malitch was lifted and Malitch continued to pursue his dark goals and desires.


It's magic to watch a planet shrivel up and die...Oh, it's thrillin' to be a villain! I destroy their homes and then I watch them cry...Because I'm the bad guy!!
~ Malitch singing his villain song.

Malitch is nothing more than an extremely sadistic, violent, manipulative, brutal, vicious and ruthless man. Despite being a victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his parents, he showed no remorse or care for killing his entire family including his sister, the only member of his family who showed any love towards him. Malitch also took pleasure at torturing animals at a young age, eventually employing the same torture tactics on humanoids that he did on animals. He finds joy in battling enemies and taking their weapons as victory trophies. He also took pleasure in destroying entire planets full of sapient life, sometimes enslaving any survivors and sending them to be slaves in the Nightmare Realm. He is relatively calm, yet possesses a sharp tongue. Ironically, he dislikes "talkers", such as Jeff, but is generally more patient with them than his minions are. Malitch does not react to much frustration or anger, but admits enjoyment in causing others agony when it is possible for him. He shows a slight insecure side, as he dislikes his real name: Mitch, and admits to being jealous of Jeff's strong camaraderie with the Proxies. He tends to mask this side of him by taunting, torturing or intimidating those who agitate him. He is also very dismissive of his subordinates as he shows no sympathy or support for them and treats most of his subordinates as expendable pawns.

Malitch was shown to be unspeakably ruthless, as he was willing to enact a genocide of all life in the universe in order to smite any chances that one would someday defeat him, with the only people he planned to let live were his own henchmen and slaves because they would blindly obey him. Due to being raised as royalty, Malitch largely preferred to let his weapons and henchmen do the hard work rather than dealing with such obstacles himself, although he was certainly willing to deal with the threat if the situation called for it. Malitch had little or no regard for the lives or well-being of others, as he was willing to blanket the universe in Black Breath, which certainly would have slowly killed off all life in the universe, and was willing to sacrifice his own troops, which put him in conflict with his most trusted subordinate, as the commander refused to kill his own soldiers of which, in response to this act of disobedience, Malitch then struck him down without a second thought.

Malitch's invulnerability curse soon took its toll on his sanity and turned him into an emotionally unstable monster he is now. According to Enderman, Malitch hasn't "seen straight in years".

He is also power hungry and has no respect for his clients; demonstrated when Malitch nearly killed Zalgo in order to steal his massive army and resources and gain more power and influence over the universe. However, despite being his archenemy, Malitch harbors a little bit of respect for Jeff, claiming that, "he likes a challenge".

After being driven insane by Zalgo, Malitch went increasingly mellow and senile. Living in a tree, Malitch spends his days drinking tree sap and fishing. He sank into something of a depression due to losing his army and the planets he owned, causing him to stop caring about being the ruler of the universe, having a more noticeably annoyed and fed up expression on his face, with his attitude reflecting this, where once before he would have killed whoever displeased him, in this state of annoyance he instead got annoyed that the Proxies busted down his door and intended to kill him, telling them he 'just had it nailed down!' and angrily told them to leave.

His old age appears to have caused a degree of apathy in Malitch, or at least unhappy resignation, as Malitch apparently still desires universal conquest and the destruction of life, but is either unable or unwilling to do much about it personally due to having lost contact with his army. His senile behavior also makes him avoid contact with others beings from outside his tree in which he makes the giant voice recorder in his likeliness that record his message said that he doesn't want to meet anyone and ask them to go away. At the same time, he also cares less about enslaving life.

After his sanity returned, Malitch's sadistic tendencies came back as well, as he planned to use the Umbra Crystal to drown the entire universe and everyone in it in Black Breath, except for his faction of army loyalists who will be blindly obedient to him. He tortures Jeff's best friends Ticci Tobey and Eyeless Jack in order to find where Jeff is, threatens to kill Tobey's girlfriend Natalie if he doesn't comply, then orders Jeff to be killed seconds after he promised not to do so and arranges Tobey's death as well. He also showed traits of being a dishonorable sadist, as he betrayed to trolls who created his staff by killing them all even when he said he wouldn't do so, for no other reason than to test the staff's power.

Malitch later demonstrated his cruelty when he mocked Ms. P for her parents' abandoning her, sending Sally to be used as a child slave in the Nightmare Realm, trying to drown BEN again, and considers skinning Smile Dog and turning his hide into a rug. He also plans to let Jeff's allies free only once they are driven mentally mad from all the torture he plans to inflict on them, but also to have Jeff tortured and killed in front of their eyes.

Malitch was also willing to both manipulate, hurt, and kill children to further his goals. He pretended to be a caring, father-like figure to Sally, but is only manipulating the young girl so he can use her to betray Jeff. When Sally stabs him with a knife, he just giggles, mocks her for her foolishness and takes the knife and stabs Sally back, in the shoulder. He later tries to kill BEN and Sally together for getting involved in what was supposed to be a showdown between Malitch and Jeff.

Malitch's final moments were not of anger or rage, but the joy that he could feel his face melting from the flames of the Infernus Sword.

Powers and Abilities

Malitch is blessed with invulnerability to all threats, physical or magical.
~ Malitch's henchmen.

  • Super-Strength:  Despite lacking muscle and looking fairly scrawny, Malitch's strength was at immense superhuman levels, far surpassing that of any mortal or monster, including Jeff the Killer. He had enough physical aptitude to severely harm and cripple Jeff, easily throw and smash a giant boulder, and, despite his skinny and short body, proved quite a challenge for Jeff: In their first battle, when Jeff and Malitch have a test of raw strength, Malitch's starship begins to collapse, leaving a progressively larger and deeper fissure beneath them that almost split the mammoth ship in half.
  • Super-Speed:  Malitch can move at extremely high speeds much faster than even Jeff the Killer (who is also incredibly fast and agile). He uses this to effect in combat, darting around enemies in order to confuse them right before striking them.
  • Enhanced Reflexes: Malitch claimed that the magic coursing through him enhanced his reflexes. He was able to easily block and parry melee attacks from Jeff, and easily deflect a knife thrown at him at high speeds. Malitch has speed and coordination rivaling that of Jeff.
  • Telekinesis: Malitch was very proficient in Telekinesis, his telekinesis was far more powerful than even Ms. P's telekinetic abilities. Malitch can also throw and call back his staff similar to Thor's Mjölnir.
  • Resistance to Mind Control: Malitch's mind was so powerful that mind control attacks proved useless against him, as Ms. P found out when she tried to invade his mind.
  • Durability: Malitch was extremely durable, even without his invulnerability. He walked off Ms. P's magical blasts with ease, which is notable because Ms. P's magical attacks were able to hold down Zalgo for a brief moment. Additionally, Ms. P's mind control doesn't work on him. Later, he laughs when Sally stabs him in the shoulder and shrugs off Jeff's punches, being crushed by a gigantic statue of himself, and getting hit by BEN's arrows like they were nothing. He also survived being chopped in the shoulder by Jeff's knife, being stabbed in the stomach multiple times by Jeff, getting speared with his own staff, and getting shot multiple times by BEN's arrows, even so continuing to fight seemingly unhindered. It was only upon Ms. P stabbing him with the Sword of Infernus that he finally succumbed.
    • Complete Immunity to Pain: Due to his godly strength and possessing a different physiology than humans, Malitch does not have nerve endings, allowing him to take extreme punishment without feeling any form of pain. In fact, Malitch claims that he can't feel anything, from the wind against his face, to even the taste of food and drinks. To which, even the most grievous of injuries will not impair his ability to perform, as he displayed full movement every time he was harmed by Jeff. In addition, he did not react at all when Jeff stabbed one of his eyeballs.
  • Darkness Manipulation: Malitch was capable of using darkness in combat. His eyes will usually go black when he uses his power. He could use darkness to render his opponents unable to see, block suns from planets, and to cloak himself.
    • Black Breath Manipulation: After gaining the Umbra Crystal, Malitch gained the ability to harness Black Breath, with was a smoke-like cloud of magical darkness. Black Breath could be used to weaken opponents, trap them in never-ending, lightless darkness, and keep them at bay. Those who find themselves in Black Breath could also suffer from dizziness, nausea, coughing, horrific hallucinations, severe depression (or as Sally Williams described "the feeling of never being happy again), vomiting a black substance, difficulty swallowing or breathing, and a sore throat. Prolonged exposure to Black Breath will eventually kill people. Malitch could also manipulate Black Breath to spread across entire planets as part of his ultimate plan.
  • Levitation: Malitch can "fly" several feet off the ground and slowly descend back to the ground with ease. And while doing this he can dash upward and he will gain altitude quickly before descending.
  • Electrokinesis: Malitch has the power to send strong electrical shocks through his staff and others on contact. He is seen using this power to torture Eyeless Jack, and could have easily killed the Proxy with said lightning if he didn't need information of Jeff's whereabouts.
  • Healing/Regeneration: Malitch can heal himself from seemingly any form of attack. During his fights with Jeff, he cut across his arms, face, shoulders and even gets stabbed in the eye and not only doesn't even react to them, but said cuts are gone in seconds.
  • Energy Manipulation: Malitch can manipulate magical energy, using to to fire magical blasts at his opponents. He could also create energy shields using his staff and even freeze people in place.
  • Mind Manipulation: Malitch had the ability to enter someone's mind to read their thoughts and memories. He does this by putting his staff on their forehead. He demonstrated this power on Ms. P in order to see where Jeff the Killer had gone and to know his exact location.
  • Bewitchment: Using his magic, Malitch was able to bewitch every single person who was aware of his weakness to prevent his enemies or anyone in general from finding out the weakness to his invulnerability. Anytime the bewitched are questioned about Malitch's weakness, the spell placed on them automatically makes them say "Malitch is blessed with invulnerability to all threats, physical or magical."

  • Master of hand-to-hand combat: Surprising given his preference of using magic, Malitch is extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat. He can quickly strike, utilizing punches and kicks. He also uses his elbows, knees and even some grappling techniques, including suplexing Jeff in their first fight. His skill in pure hand-to-hand combat is virtually unmatched, capable of easily fighting against and even overwhelming Jeff in martial arts despite the latter's immense training, experience, and prowess. Even when Jeff was aided by BEN in his final fight with Malitch, Malitch still arguably defeated and outlasted Jeff, with the circumstances around them being the only reasons Jeff lived through both of their encounters.
  • Staff Mastery: Malitch was a highly excellent expert when fighting with his staff, as he can proficiently wield it against a knife-wielding Jeff.
  • Master Torturer: Malitch was incredibly effective in torturing both his enemies and allies; both of the mental and physical variety. Malitch tortured others both to get information out of them, and for his own amusement. This was seen when he had his rhino minions beat Ticci Tobey to a bloody pulp to get information of Jeff's location. When Tobey refused to answer, Malitch threatened to have Natalie Clockwork killed right in front of him. Malitch also mentally tortured Ms. P over her parents abandoning her and BEN over his fear of drowning. Malitch also had Eyeless Jack electrocuted, had his men waterboard BEN, and stuffed Clockwork in a cooler full of ice cold water.


It's ironic the very beings who freed me from Zalgo's spell now are the only ones who oppose me. I barely remembered you from that jungle. Oh, you can't imagine the depths of my suffering there. I spent most of my days collecting tree sap from leaves with an ungrateful camel by my side. Living in a tree instead of my luxurious chateau of a ship. The birds screeching their lungs out no matter how many times I poisoned them! Instead of ruling the universe with an iron fist, I was LIVING OFF FUCKING TREE-SAP!!!! (lightning bolts fly from his staff)
~ Malitch expressing his anger over losing his memory.
This is how it's going to work. This so-called Jeff may actually have a chance of ruining everything I've built up to, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, you'll fess up and you'll be freed from your prison. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally tell me. Or die.
~ Malitch to the Proxies during a torture montage.
Ms. P: There are people on those planets... Who didn't do anything to you!
Malitch: There were other people on my planet before it was destroyed!
Ms. P: Look, I'm sorry your planet got destroyed...
Malitch: Oh, don't be. I was the one who destroyed it.
~ Malitch revealing to Ms. P that he was the one who destroyed his planet.
Malitch: It is an honor to meet you, Witch. Or should I call you Ms. Prudence instead? I am Malitch, head of the Malitch Empire. (Ms. P growls at him; Malitch looks at his rhino guard) I wonder why she doesn't like me.
Laughing Jack: Hey, retard. You probably shouldn't have kidnapped her if you wanted her approval.
Ms. P: So, you're the one behind this? What exactly do you want from us?
Malitch: My goons have informed me you and your friends plan to stop me. I always warned myself that as I grew to power, my enemies would rise against me. Jeff, (chuckles) I assumed... Wrongly. Instead, a nameless orphan stans before me, seeking to put an end to the unstoppable power bearing down on her. I think you'll find that impossible soon enough. I want to harness the power of the Umbra Crystal; I'm planning to use it to create complete darkness and cloud the entire universe within it.
Ms. P: What? You can't do that!
Malitch: Ooooh, I can, as it seems. ...You seem like a smart girl. Why don't you just tell me where this "Jeff" is and I'll release you immediately. Your friends must stay, of course. Trophies of my victory.
Ms. P: I'll NEVER tell you where Jeff is!
Malitch: ..... (sigh) Very well. Don't say I didn't give you this chance. (turns to his rhino minions) Where should we start, men? Physical pain is probably the fastest way, wouldn't you agree? Let's start off with electrocution. And then decrease the oxygen concentration in the room, and observe their reaction. Maybe we can also try changing the air pressure. If those fail, ripping their nails off might work. Maybe we can chip her teeth too. The pain felt by the nervous system will be unbearable by then. In the witch's case, her body is much more resilient than a human… try feeding her poison. And then, yes, you're a virgin? How do you feel about your own chastity? The pain you will feel when we completely destroy whatever dignity you have as a woman. In the long time you've spent in this world, have you had any friends or lovers? If we were to kill a loved one in front of you, how would you feel? (Ms. P growls in disgust; Malitch begins to telekinetically bring Ms. P closer to him) Oh.... are you mad? Is Jeff the one you care for? Is that why defend him? (laughs) Young fool. Your care for this Chosen One will be your downfall. And now that you have foolishly let your emotions get the better of you, you will give me Jeff. I will rip your memory of him from your mind. Then I will kill you with the cruelest stroke. (puts the tip of his staff against her head) Give....Me....Everything.
~ Malitch threatening Jeff's allies (Extended Edition only scene)
Yes... Yes!! I can see it all so clearly. The pitiful Jeff the Killer hiding in fear. A broken castaway doomed to perish on his very own. Such a shame. The killer of Zalgo, the creator of his own demise. The spark that lit the flame of the resistance against Zalgo, reduced to nothing. Shut out from his friends, awaiting death. Too cowardly to even face me to enemy he once stood against. I see a lot of you as well, Ms. P. I see it wavering, tempted by the power you know to be in your grasp. The potential to ascend beyond your misguided attempts at philanthropy. And to fully embrace what could so easily be yours, but that would take time, I suspect. Time that I cannot be bothered to waste. And so now, with the location of Jeff so easily taken from your feeble mind, it's time to put an end to your insufferable brand of ambition.
~ Malitch breaching Ms. P's mind and reading her thoughts.
(laughs) Looks like your friend was smarter than I thought; hiding from me. I did not expect Jeff to be so wise! You know, what with the stories I've heard about him. I will give him the death he desires. After I'm through with you and your pitiful little band, I will travel to Earth and kill your friend in front of the whole planet. Oh, and while I'm at it, since you have neglected to use your full potential to destroy Earth, I think I'll go over there and give it a shot myself.
~ Malitch to Ms. P
Malitch: So go ahead, kill me, witch. Perhaps they'll even get your name right this time.
Ms. P: ...What?
Malitch: Oh, no need to pretend around me, Miss P. I've read your mind. Some over-eager young wannabe Proxy wants to be his favorite Proxy only to see it's you and not Jeff.
Ms. P: Enough with this.
Malitch: And I can only imagine how awkward it must get when that wannabe Proxy asks for your autograph, then gets all sad and dejected when he realizes it's not Jeff the Killer's.
Ms. P: I said stop it.
Malitch: How nice of your serial killer boy-toy to repay you like that. I can't blame him, after your father skipped out on you you've never had anytime to care about his needs, and what do you have to show for it? Friends who don't care for you? Friends who steals your thunder by finding more hidden treasures than you ever could and getting credit for the ones you find?
Ms. P: STOP IT!!
Malitch: But I honestly can't blame your father for that. What father would want to waste his time with a child with a neck like that? Little Pencilneck, trying to hide herself being a freak around the other children. Never letting on that, deep down, she's nothing but a scared little child who doesn't want to be left all alone. What a disappointment you must have been to him. And do you know why, you whining brat?
Ms. P: (on the verge of tears) Please... stop it.
Malitch: It's because you aren't main character material. In the great big stage play that is Jeff's life, you're nothing but a supporting character. You're a cog in the machine. A footnote in history. You're not your own person, you're a sheep that thinks it's a wolf. And you can never change that, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you try to impress others, bad guys you stop, or lives you save, you will never be anything more than "Jeff the Killer's sidegirl." How does that feel, Pretty Princess? (Ms. P slumps to the ground, sobbing into her hands) Awww. Boo-hooo. Pathetic. Slenderman's wannabe student reduced to a pile of tears. All your years of training and you lay there crying like a child. Worthless.
~ Malitch tormenting Ms. P.
I see dying trees, flesh that rots, death and disease, crispy fried scots. And I think to myself. What a wonderful world. I see turds that float. Poisonous gas. Bodies that float. They smell like...ass. And I think to myself.... What a wonderful world. Don't even beg for mercy. I'll just pretend I'm deaf. And strangling a kitty. Is always O.K. I'll send planets ablaze. And their people too. Each scream is pain. Begging for death. I see babies smile... It makes me SICK! And when I'm sick... People DIE! And I think to myself... What a wonderful world. And I think to myself.. What a wonderful word. (minions clap as the song ends) You're a great crowd. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
~ Malitch singing a twisted version of What a Wonderful World in front of his goons (Extended Edition only scene).
Malitch: I'll brief you on the coordinates. And as for Jeff... kill him.
Eyeless Jack: But you said he didn't matter!
Malitch: It's for the good of my empire. You made the right decision, Jack. Gentlemen, Proxies... now you can see how dangerous protecting your friends can be. It makes us... vulnerable. I'll make you talk, Jack. It's only a matter of time.
~ Malitch before brutally torturing Eyeless Jack.
Malitch: BEN, my name's Malitch. I manage this empire. My welcome speech used to be filled with euphemisms like, 'This may hurt a little'. 'This may cause you some discomfort'. But I've grown blunt. This ship is not part of a government led program. It belongs to a private empire that tortures living beings for information. But if you think your immortality will help you through this...We'll see. You've heard the whole, make an omelette break some eggs thing, right? I'm about to hurt you, BEN. I used to have a family too, you know. I think you had a loving one, right? In my case, they cursed me with enhanced my reflexes, and scorched my nerve endings so I not longer feel pain. And in fact, I no longer feel anything. (BEN tries to speak with the gag in his mouth; Malitch has his men remove it)
BEN: Thank you! Thank you. (turns to Malitch) You have something in your teeth. Just in the middle there. Romaine lettuce, or something. It's been bothering me for a long time. (Malitch goes to mirror and checks his teeth) Ha! Made you look. Hey, is Malitch your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Randall The Rickster? (in a fake British accent) Is it Basil Fawlty?
Maltich: Oh, joke away. In a few hours you won't have the spirit to joke.
BEN: We'll see about that.
Malitch: I suppose we will. (to his men) He's all yours.
~ Malitch to BEN.
You see this, Tobey? This little knife comes from a little girl on the planet Forgana. The youngest queen of this beautiful, peaceful planet. Took me 3 days to destroy that miserable forest of a planet. And this spear, king of the Sixer galaxy; Six days flat. Then there's this old guy in the planet Philly. I killed him, destroyed his planet, and took this beautiful little power gun of his. And this one... Might be my best weapon of all. The Sword of Infernus. I found this when I destroyed the fire planet Muspelheim. A young prince tried to kill me with this, but I set him straight and took this from him. The blade is so hot that it doesn't even need to touch something to cause a massive fire. After I'm finished killing your friend I'll take his knife from his corpse and add it to my collection. Maybe use it to flay that dog of his.... and use his skin as a nice rug.
~ Malitch showing Ticci Tobey his weapon collection, as well as threatening to kill Jeff and Smile Dog.
Oh come now, guys. Why so melancholy? A wondrous future lies before you - you, the destined so-called heroes of the multiverse. Behold - my ship. And in said ship, dreaming of release, lies the great Slenderman's students. But see the gracious whim of fate - why, 'tis the self-same peasant "heroes", who set off to defeat the wizard but yesterday. They are indeed, most wondrous fair. Waiting their friends imminent rescue. Ah, yes. The wizard kills their friend before their eyes, and his little dog too. The years roll by, but a hundred years to a steadfast heart, are but a day. And now, the gates of a dungeon part, and our heroes are free to go their way. Driven mad from all the torture, never the same, mad as a goose. To go back home and hang the noose. And prove that "true love" conquers all!
~ Malitch mockingly revealing his intentions to torture Jeff's friends to suicidal insanity.
BEN: Hey, guys. Don't take any shit from him. How tough can he be, with a name like Mitch? (Malitch looks up in alarm and anger)
Enderman: "Mitch"?
BEN: That's his legal name. (laughing) He got Malitch from the dish soap. (singing) M, I, T, C H! M, I, T, C, oops! (Malitch approaches BEN with an expression of pure annoyance) I saw your name on that family tapestry when your dumbass guards dragged me to the torture room. FYI, I could probably get you the super hero discount.
Malitch: You are so fucking annoying.
BEN: I've never heard that before.
Malitch: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your fucking mouth shut.
BEN: Ooooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
~ BEN reveals Malitch's true name to everyone.
Malitch: (dunks BEN in a pool of water for several seconds before rising him out) What's my name?
BEN: (coughing violently) Bitch- I mean Mitch!
Malitch: (to his minions) What do you say, men? Another several minutes in the pool?
~ Malitch torturing BEN.
Malitch: (bursts into a lengthy laughter) YOU'RE the famous Jeff the Killer! This so-called savior of the universe is nothing but a blubbering fool! A- a clown! (laughs again) Tell me- tell me this is a joke. Please. No way.
Jeff the Killer: I'm Jeff the Killer and I've to save my friends. Release them or get ready to get face-fucked!
Malitch: So it is true after all. (laughs hysterically) You're friends are just as- if not more- foolish than you are! I didn't think they were this desperate but it seems I was wrong! How incredibly funny this is! (laughs again)
Ms. P: (to Jeff) See what we've put up with for days now? This is why I hate men.
Jeff the Killer: I don't like him either, but not because he's a man. (to Malitch) Let them go or else, fuckboy!
Malitch: (with a playful expression) And if I were to say no? What would you do then? (suddenly gets a very serious expression) I should probably be afraid, right?
~ Malitch meets Jeff for the first time.
Keep on fighting and I'll kill them. You know I will.
~ Malitch threatening to kill Jeff's friends if he continues fighting him.
Malitch: That's right, girl. I've been using you aaaalll along. Little Sally here has been a very naughty girl. Stealing from the Arcosians.
Sally Williams: Wait... That was the Arcosians'?
Malitch: Sure was! At least until a certain someone tricked you into stealing it for me.
Sally Williams: You... You used me!
Malitch: You have no one to blame but yourself. (Sally looks down in sadness as Malitch approaches her) Tell me, girl. Has stealing that crystal for me given you all you wanted? Was it worth it? (laughs evilly).
~ Malitch revealing that he has deceived Sally.
And here I thought my friends were fucked up.
~ Malitch after he tricks Sally into betraying Jeff.
(Malitch grabs Sally by the throat, she stabs him in the shoulder with Jeff's knife; he laughs) Jeff was right about you, stupid little girl. You're not ready for the real world. How about I send you to the Nightmare Realm so you can stop playing the hero? Oh, and would you please hold this for me? (pulls the knife from his shoulder and stabs Sally in the arm)
~ Malitch before sending Sally to the Nightmare Realm.
Poor little Teddy Bear, you're gone forever.
~ Malitch after sending Sally to the Nightmare Realm (extended edition only).
You should have never gotten involved in this. I will kill you in front of all of your friends for this. I will kill you in such a way that will drive them insane just by witnessing it. And then I will torture them all to death, including that mutt and little girl of yours. Slowly. And I will enjoy every last moment of it.
~ Malitch after stabbing Jeff through the chest.
Stop right there, Chosen One! We need to talk, and I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your actions caused the poor girl to die... I have a question for you. Before my arrival, this universe was drowning under a tide of filth. Had you ever considered that all this is your fault? Your presence creates these animals. Like germs they spread. You created the environment that allowed the germ to mutate, to become stronger. Look at Zalgo. Would he even had returned if not for you? It must be depressing: all your sacrifices and yet you are the one to blame! All leading up to the death of your girlfriend. Oh, this is beautiful! We have at long last defeated the "mighty" Jeff the Killer! Soon, I will take my rightful place as Master of the Universe... I will rule over this world... So thank you, Jeff, for all your help... Now... KILL HIM!
~ Malitch to Jeff.
What do you think you are doing, Jeff? I have already won. The universe is already clouded in darkness and all of it's inhabitants will be lost within it. And then, I will turn my attention to you and your allies. I will march to that mansion, I will burn it to the ground, and then I will drag your friend through the crawls of the universe, and I will make him tell the world how you have failed. I will live as a god and you... will kneel before me, begging for your life.
~ Malitch threatening Jeff.
This is a message to the Proxies and their allies! Where is your savior? I have crushed him as easily as I have crushed all who have dared to oppose me throughout the cosmos. I am power unlike any you have ever known: absolute, infinite, and unrelenting. To all those who dare oppose me: your hero is gone! Your hope is dead! I am the one true master! You have no choice but to prepare for a long dark future as my subjects and my slaves.
~ Malitch to Jeff's allies after Jeff had went to the Nightmare Realm.
As we move into the final stage of my master plan, I would like to congratulate all my many underlings on this wonderful achievement. As I gaze out the window in front of me I can see that the Black Breath has engulfed roughly fifty-five percent of the universe. My projections show that within three hours, every single living, breathing being will be dead, this universe will be remodeled to my liking, and my plans will move into stage two. With the Umbra Crystal, we will sail to different universes and do the same to them. And so on and so fourth. You should all be proud of your part in this. We are the solution this cosmos needs. We are the future.
~ Malitch on an intercom to his men.
Soon, Jeff, I will be all there is. So STOP PISSING ME OFF!!!
~ Malitch before knocking Jeff and his friends back with a magic blast.
As you wish. Let's finish this.
~ Malitch to Jeff.
It doesn't need to be like this, Jeff. Why are you destroying MY CHANCE??!!! Stop pretending you aren't what you are! You still think you're a hero? HA! You are no hero. You're just like all the others; an unimportant, useless fool! One in billions, trillions, even more! Face it, you're nothing. Men like me have a duty. To destroy all that people hold dear! WHAT GREATER MEANING COULD POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER?!
~ Malitch taunting Jeff.
I match your strength. YOU CANNOT MATCH MY INTELLECT! You are but a puny mortal, of which I have killed BILLIONS!!
~ Malitch before his final fight with Jeff.
I admire your friends desire to protect you. I'm actually quite jealous. For a time, I considered sparing your little friends, Jeff. But now, you shall witness... their DISMEMBERMENT!
~ Malitch to Jeff.
Had I known killing your girlfriend would pain you so, I would have killed more of your friends. And kill more I shall. Carry that agony with you to oblivion, Jeff.
~ Malitch to Jeff (Extended Edition only).
Awwww. You look tired Jeff.
~ Malitch mocking the exhausted and battle damaged Jeff.
You should have stayed in your little home, pretty boy.
~ Malitch after impaling Jeff with his staff.
Before you both die, I want to thank you for bringing me closer to my goals. I have never felt more alive. Soon the universe will be clouded in darkness and I will rise from it as the supreme ruler as you suffer in the darkness with your pathetic friends. Face it, you cannot defeat me.
~ Malitch to Jeff.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! My crystal! My precious crystal! 'YOU FOOOOOOOLS!!!! You destroyed my Umbra Crystal! ...I will rain down every agony, every violation imaginable, upon you. I will parade your cold bodies from every corner of every realm, AND FEED YOUR SOULS TO THE VILEST FILTH IN HELL!! THAT IS MY PROMISE TO YO-
~ Malitch to the Proxies until he is struck with the Sword of Infernus (in the original cut).
Malitch: You poor, stupid, FUCKING fool. You're friends will die for this.
Jeff: No, they won't.
Malitch: You think you can stop me? You can't even pick yourself off the ground to protect them.
Jeff: (coughs up blood) They don't need my protection. They're better than you.
Malitch: (raises his staff) NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ME!
Jeff: Whatever you say, champ.
Malitch: Well, tell me this, Jeff: Will you be so cocky when I slay you in front of the whole world, you ugly motherfucker?
Jeff: If you kill me, you'll be proving me right.
Malitch: Before I kill you, do me a favor and tell me the truth. That I am all-powerful, and you are but a worthless urchin. I want to hear you say that before you die.
Jeff: The truth... Okay. The truth is... you were only ever worth a damn when you worked for Zalgo. The truth is... you could never accept that I'm better than you. You're a fucking failure, Mitch. And you always will be.
Malitch: (stabs Jeff through the chest with his staff, killing him) HAAAHAHAHAHAAA!!! (Malitch takes his staff out of Jeff's corpse, spits on his body, and walks away)
~ Malitch's final conversation with Jeff (Blu-Ray cut only)
~ Malitch's last words as he is slowly melted by the Sword of Infernus.

Handbook Entries


Malitch was the son of decades of planet-destroying warlords seeking to make a name of themselves. His parents were abusive which might be why he grew up to be such a prick. Although I could argue Malitch was a bad apple from the start. He was very anti-social and even killed his father's dog with a drill without any provocation. Even by my standards, that's a low move. If you're trying to get back at your parents target them not defenseless animals! Funny enough... Malitch actually did end up murdering his entire family, including his own sister. All to inherit the throne.

He tried to partner up and then kill Lord Zalgo, but the idiot underestimated Zalgo's intelligence and got his memory taken away. The very sight of Zalgo was enough to drive Malitch insane. No one knows exactly what happened to Malitch afterward. He has completely vanished without a trace. Given that his last known location was in Zalgo's lair (an assassination attempt), he probably won't live too long.

What was this guy's true name anyway? (planning to find out)

...Mitch Blackheart. His name is Mitch Blackheart. What kind of a name is that? I guess that explains why he changed it to a slightly less embarrassing name. His parents really DID hate him if they gave him a name like that.

~ Malitch's entry in the Unwanted House Guest's notes.
MALITCH (again)

Malitch was the person we've been looking for! It all makes sense now! After we defeated Zalgo for good, the curse he put on Malitch was lifted, and with it Malitch's desire to destroy everything.

Malitch has a new weapon in the form of a staff. I've recently discovered that he forced a race of trolls to forge it for him in exchange for their lives. Afterward (and predictably), Malitch killed them all anyway and destroyed their planets with the same staff. They were foolish to trust him...Yet I can't help but feel bad for the little guys.

President Bush took Malitch's staff after his death. I don't know what he would want with it, but it's better in his hands then someone like Malitch, I suppose. Also, the staff is worthless in the hands of a non-magical being (which Eugene doesn't appear to be), so either way, we're safe.

Malitch was defeated by Jeff, but at the cost of Jeff's life, who died saving BEN and Sally from him. While Malitch was distracted I was able to kill him with one of his own weapons: the Sword of Infernus. I was foolish to fall for Malitch's tricks, and even more foolish not to stop Jeff, but dying was what Jeff wanted, and that bastard won't hurt anyone anymore.

PS: Jeff, if you are somehow reading this beyond the the stars, I want you to know we all love and miss you. Soon the sun will shine on us both.

Love-Ms. P

~ Malitch's second entry in the Unwanted House Guest's notes, this time written by Ms. P.



  • Malitch's name is a portmanteau of the word "Malice" (Which means desire to cause pain, injury, or distress to another) and Mitch (His real name).
  • Malitch is the final antagonist the Proxies face in the series.
  • Malitch has milky white pupils that turn black whenever he uses the Umbra Crystal.
    • According to a Pastamonsters fan poll, Malitch is the least liked main antagonist in Pastamonsters.
  • It's implied that his parents used to beat him, but if it did lead to his villainy we never get even a hint of it and his motivation to make others suffer is mainly just for fun. Before his death, it's revealed that he's somewhat lonely, but his loneliness isn't the reason why he's evil, it's just the reason why he goes about being evil by bullying and terrorizing others.
  • Malitch keeps his mother's shrunken head in his pocket which he shows to Ticci Tobey.
  • According to Comickit, Malitch is asexual and has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone.
  • Malitch seems to function as an eviler counterpart for Ms. P. Aside from the obvious gender difference, both are incredibly powerful users of black magic, enjoy donning black clothing to make themselves seem more mysterious, and are haughty and arrogant to those around them. However, Ms. P does seem to care for her friends and is willing to protect them from any incoming threat. Malitch, on the other side of the spectrum, is a complete sociopath who does not care for anyone and is willing to manipulate and murder his underlings to achieve his goals and unlike Ms. P, has no morality pets to stop him from being truly evil and outright alienates himself from potential "friends". Ms. P also tends to detach herself from others, while Malitch took it upon himself to form an empire with many henchmen at his disposal.
  • Malitch, in many ways, is the diametric opposite of Zalgo.
    • Malitch is a humanoid alien, while Zalgo is a monstrous demon.
    • Malitch's primary color is black, while Zalgo's is bright red.
    • Zalgo is loud, hammy, and somewhat flamboyant, while Malitch is cold and rarely raised his voice.
    • While Zalgo is both threatening and humorous, Malitch is just threatening.
    • Zalgo's lair is a hot, bright, and hellish throne room, while Malitch's lair is a spaceship in the middle of the cold and dark vacuum of space.
  • In concept art, Malitch was originally going to be a small alien in a human disguise.
  • There are considerable inconsistencies between how powerful Malitch is. It is implied many times he can singlehandedly destroy a planet, yet Jeff is capable of fighting evenly with him. Other times Jeff stands no chance against Malitch unless his friends aide him in the fight, but this might be cause Malitch was powered by the Umbra Crystal at the time. In some cases, Jeff is a match for Malitch even after he has gained the crystal.
  • Malitch thinks having a favorite color is ridiculous, but if he could choose one, it would be purple.
  • Comickit stated in an interview that they imagined President Bush taking Malitch's staff after he died as a sort of irony for Malitch's habit for stealing his foe's weapons.
    • In Aton's aftermath stories for the characters, the vigenere code on the side says, "[Bush] stole that Malitch fellow's staff from his burnt corpse. Ducky nearly vomited from the smell. Added it to his weapons collection when they returned to Earth. Ducky and him still think of Jeff everyday.


           Pastamonsters Villains

Minions of Zalgo
Ku Klux Klan
Red Empire
Slenderman and the Proxies
Slenderman | Mr. X | Jeff the Killer | BEN Drowned | Ms. Pencil Neck | Eyeless Jack | Natalie Clockwork | Ticci Toby
Enderman's gang
Enderman | B.O.B | The Rake
Zalgo's Forces
The Great Lord | Lord Zalgo | Shadowlurker | X | Herobrine | Flagg | Stukka | Septim | High Helper Hula | King of Serepentis
Aton's Forces
Aton | Mr. Widemouth | Zeus
The Bleeders
Laughing Jack | Angel Knives | David | The Mole
Ash Graven | Unwanted House Guest | Grinny Cat | Lazari | Tobey | Stiltwalker | The Strider | Red | Scorpion | Dr. Applecheek | The Showman | Officer Gutierrez | Mancala | Fear | The Hag | Evil Jeff | Colonel Blackheart | President Bush | Malitch | Mayor Bigmouth | Laughing Jack Jr. | Frowning Jack |

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