| “ | Way back when I was just a little bitty boy, living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop...you know the place. Well, anyway, back then, life was going swell and everything was juuuust PEACHY! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. | „ |
| ~ Miracle Machine's first lines in Albuquerque, and arguably his most famous quote. |
Miracle Universe Machine, mostly known as Miracle Machine, is the main protagonist of RWappin's animations of Albuquerque and Everything You Know Is Wrong by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
He is an unstable man who was abused by his mother, who force-fed him sauerkraut constantly. Eventually, after winning a radio station contest, he was able to move to Albuquerque and get away from her. However, he got into multiple strange conflicts with locals and grew increasingly insane. After a few odd days where he experienced hallucinations and was repeatedly told that everything he knew was wrong, he eventually died of a paper cut.
He is "voiced" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, unofficially in RWappin's animations, and later officially during his brief appearance in Polkamania!
Appearance[]
Miracle Machine is a middle-aged man of average build with spiky brown hair and an immense underbite. He is almost always seen wearing a red Nehru jacket, a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes. In the bedroom with Zelda, he appears without his Nehru jacket on. Whenever he is manic or frightened, one of his eyes will suddenly gain a green iris.
Biography[]
Background[]
Miracle Machine was born to his father Love Machine and mother Sauerkraut Machine, where he lived in a cardboard box under the basement stairs half a block away from Jerry's Bait Shop. At some point in time, Love Machine died from overeating sauerkraut, which drove Sauerkraut Machine insane. She then began forcing Miracle to eat nothing but sauerkraut every morning, something that greatly annoyed him.
Albuquerque[]
Miracle Machine, tired of eating sauerkraut, asks his mother why she only feeds him it. She blankly stares at him, before screaming "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!", tying him to the wall, and putting a funnel in his mouth. From the stairs, she continuously force-feeds Miracle sauerkraut until he turns 26 and a half years old. From that day onward, Miracle swears to move to a "magical, far-away place" to escape his insane mother. A radio show later hosts a contest to see who could guess how many molecules were in Leonard Nimoy's butt.
Despite being off by three, Miracle wins the grand prize, a ticket to Albuquerque which would allow him to escape his conditions. However, the plane ride was extremely annoying and several inconveniences kept piling up. The plane's engines eventually burnt out during the flight, causing it to crash into a hillside and explode. Due to having his tray table up and his seat in the full upright position, Miracle was the sole survivor of the crash. Injured, he spent the next three days crawling through the wreckage with his belongings before arriving at the city and settling in the Albuquerque Holiday Inn.
Miracle enters his room, turning on the SpectraVision and preparing to eat the mint on his pillow, but he hears someone knock on the door. He repeatedly asks who's there, but there is no answer, so he gets up and opens the door, coming face-to-face with a "big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril." The man breaks into his room, steals his lucky glow-in-the-dark snorkel, and the two get into a brutal fight until the phone is knocked over. The two of them briefly stop and begin dancing to the intercept message, but the intruder uses this as a distraction, sprinting off with the snorkel. Miracle chases him through the streets of Albuquerque, but the man gets away by flying with an umbrella.
The vengeful Miracle vows not to rest until the thief is brought to justice, but he gets distracted by a shop and decides to get some donuts in the meantime. He repeatedly attempts to place an order, but the donut shop is out of everything he asks for. He eventually settles on the only thing they have in stock, a single box of a dozen bloodthirsty weasels. Upon buying it and opening the box, Miracle is mauled by the weasels and screams in pain. He runs out into the street where he comes across a girl named Zelda, who he falls in love with at first sight. Miracle and Zelda become inseparable, eventually buying a house, getting married and having two children. However, when she asks if he would like to join the Columbia Record Club, he freaks out and pettily breaks up with her.
Miracle gets a job at the local Sizzler afterwards, where he quickly becomes the employee of the month after putting out a grease fire with his face. He then comes across a man named Marty who is having trouble moving his couch and asks if he needs help. Marty to sarcastically remark that he wants Miracle to cut off his limbs with a chainsaw, but Miracle takes this literally, severing all of his limbs and causing Marty to bleed out. Miracle later comes across a homeless man who states he "hasn't had a bite in three days". Despite knowing what he meant, Miracle bit his jugular vein out as a twisted joke. At this point, he loses his train of thought, so the rest of his antics are unknown.
The song then ends in a comically long and flashy fanfare where "Albuquerque" is chanted, with Miracle and a crowd even trying to spell it in a cheer, although he clumsily forgets. At one point, all of the characters sing it in unison, including Marty and the homeless man who somehow survived. As Miracle strums a guitar in front of the crowd and a jar of sauerkraut performs a drum solo, the 11-minute song ends.
Everything You Know Is Wrong[]
Miracle Machine drives recklessly on the highway with a wolverine in his pants, when an unknown man in the back seat covers his eyes. He repeatedly guesses the name of the intruder, even asking if it is one of his relatives. Due to his blind driving, the two crash into a truck, and Miracle is left vulnerable and bleeding on the asphalt. The man reveals himself to be his hibachi dealer, before tearing off his prosthetic lips and taunting Miracle that everything he knows is wrong, prompting Miracle to have a series of disjointed hallucinations.
He later recovers and walks to the kitchen for breakfast, but as he attempts to grab a box of Golden Grahams, he falls into a portal to another dimension and gets kidnapped by aliens whose heads oddly resemble Jamie Farr's. They extract his organs, presumably for research, and congratulate him for his cooperation by offering him the opportunity to time travel to any period in history. Miracle Machine goes back to Thursday night to pay a missed phone bill, but he is interrupted by Colonel Sanders' disembodied head, who rises from the dark room. Much like the previous incident, Sanders states that everything Miracle knows is wrong, and an odd series of hallucinations begins.
Another day, Miracle gets a papercut on his way to deliver a letter to his evil twin, who appears to be Fry from Futurama. The cut suffers a mysterious infection, killing Miracle, and he ends up in Heaven. Saint Peter initially refuses to open the gates because of Miracle's Nehru jacket apparently violating Heaven's dress code, but he decides to spare Miracle and let him in anyway, at the cost of assigning him a room next to an obnoxiously loud ice machine for eternity. Every morning from then on, Peter taunts Miracle with the same mantra that everything is wrong.
Polkamania! (NON-CANON)[]
After a yodeler gets crushed by a giant jar of sauerkraut, Miracle Machine makes his first official appearance in one of Weird Al's songs, singing Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars and breakdancing maniacally all around the city. After this brief appearance, the world is tilted off-center before the next segment of the song.
Personality[]
Miracle Machine is nothing short of a nonsensical lunatic. He is also shown to be extremely violent as seen in Albuquerque. However, he did seem to appreciate his time with his ex-wife Zelda and their children while they were still wed, although their breakup subverted it.
At his core, he is maladjusted as years of extreme abuse and isolation have emotionally stunted him. His reactions are raw and unfiltered, such as him falling in love with Zelda at first sight, becoming vengeful and murderous over his snorkel being stolen, and blurting out who he thinks is blinding him in the car. He seems to understand words but not intent, as seen with him taking Marty's sarcasm as a literal command.
He is also petty, thin-skinned, and volatile. Despite surviving prolonged suffering, he snaps over mild inconveniences such as Zelda's interest in the Columbia Record Club. His focus is fleeting: he swears vengeance, forgets it moments later, and becomes consumed by something else entirely. His emotional intensity spikes quickly and vanishes just as fast.
Rather than learning from experience, he resets and moves on, as if the universe itself is gaslighting him, which it repeatedly does by insisting that everything he knows is wrong.
Trivia[]
- He greatly resembles Phillip J. Fry from Futurama, to the point he was referred to by fans as "Not Fry" before his real name was revealed. This is also referenced in-story as Fry is shown to be his evil twin in Everything You Know Is Wrong.
- While "Weird Al" Yankovic and Miracle Machine both narrate Albuquerque and Everything You Know Is Wrong in first-person, Miracle is not actually intended to be Al himself.